Starting over... Again.

Life has been more then crazy. I started blogging and I stopped. I started a lit of things that I just kinda gave up on. So this next year I am starting over for me.

I am moving on and letting go of a lot. All those things will be explained. I am going to write at LEAST once a week. Maybe more if something hits. But this is where I can vent and I feel like people can relate to some stuff I write about.

So if you follow me... I will be back. January 1st. Making this something I will stick to. So look out for posts :)

A new blog...

So I'm thinking of starting a new blog... again. Lol.
I have one for me, one for Ryder.
And I think I am going to start a Life List one.
I'm going to make a list of everything I want to do in life. And then I will put down all the info that is needed to share with pictures.

I think it will be fun. And keep me moving forward on doing things that I want to do in my life :]

One year.

Today I should be off with Sean celebrating one crazy year that we got through together. We would have dropped Ryder off with a family member and had a whole day planned. The beach, dinner, the river walk. But instead... I am hanging out at my house. Playing with Ryder and just having another day. It doesn't feel any different other then the fact that in the back of my mind I have this little sad part. But mostly... I'm doing good.
I finished the divorce paperwork last night. All we have to do now is go sign it together and turn it in.

Just figured I would let everyone know kinda what was going on. Hoping to go have a drink tonight with Kasey. Something to get my mind off things and remind me where I am at and why.

Realizing who I am and want to be.

I have always been a little different then most people. I have had my own ideas about what's "cool" and what's "in". But at the same time, I wanted people to like me. I'm starting to realize more and more that God made me the way I am. And the people that I "want" to like me... they don't matter in the long run. The people who matter are the ones who love me for me, all of me.

My crazy makeup, my wigs and changing hair every couple of weeks. Jeans and heels. My fun (sometimes not so appropriate) shirts. All my tattoos and the need for more. And now that I'm about to be a mom I have been struggling with the need to find a balance between who I was and who I have to be so that I can be a good mother.

But why do I have to change to be a good mom? I think that the good side of all my craziness will be that Ryder will learn not to judge people. That you have to look for the beauty in everything. And sometimes that beauty is unique and amazing. I don't have to change, I just have to be me. And the closer I get to having this little one the more I think about how to balance this new life.

But I have decided that instead of stressing about balance and all that... I'm just going to live. I am going to mother the way I see fit. If that means camping during the summer and road trips on a whim, then that's how it's going to be. I'm not going to change my dreams because I want to teach Ryder to run after the things he wants. I'm going to teach him about the amazing relationships between different people and I am going to push myself to show him the amazing world that God has placed us in together.

I'm very excited.

Feeling like a mom.

This past week has been the hardest week so far. I don't know if it's because I'm so close that I just want labor to start so I can be holding Ryder or if it's just a stage. But this has felt like the longest week ever. I nested, I cleaned. I got tired of doing anything. I couldn't leave the house for two days. But then tonight... about an hour ago, I just hit this calm spot.

I'm still sore. Ryder is rolling around in my belly which is getting a little tight for him... but I'm not worried. I'm not stressed. I want to get up and pack my bag again, make sure everything is in order and ready to go. And then I just want to lay back and let him cook till he is done. I know making it to 40 weeks is the best thing for him. And I am hanging in there. And if he is late, I am okay with that. I don't know what it was, but this feeling just hit me.

And I'm loving it right now. I am feeling like a mom. Thinking about late nights, waking up to him crying or cooing. Feeling him in my arms. This little guy is such a blessing. And meeting him in this world is going to be amazing.

I can't wait for labor to start. I can't wait for the pain, for the pushing, for all the thoughts that will be going through my head. I can't wait for that rush when he finally greets the world. Being put into my arms all warm and covered in goo... Lol. I am looking forward to every single step from now till forever.

Sometimes I just sit here and think about the fact that I have a little boy in my belly, growing. God does such amazing things. I couldn't ask for anything more. This is life changing... the best way to change my life. The best way to really start my life.

The last few weeks...

So... I have been in a a nesting mood. And nothing to do. I am done with the rooms. I am done with the clothes. I have everything I need. And now I need something to do to keep me busy these next however many days I have left.
I have some pictures to hang up. I'm thinking about taking some pictures and getting them printed out. Maybe going to Club FM to get some new picture frames or Ross to get something to hang on my walls. I think I just want something to do.

I think I have folded all the baby clothes about a million times. Moved everything around my room about 100 times. I can't wait to meet this little guy. I can't wait. Kinda... going... crazy. I don't understand how most people make it through these last couple weeks.

Okay. I am going to get dressed and go shopping! Or at least go look and pretend I'm shopping. Or maybe I'm just going to go and try to not go crazy :]

Mothers Day.

I am very thankful for my mom... for both of them. And for my grandmothers and aunts. And for my friends moms who have helped me. And for the older girls in my life that I can look up to and learn from. And today has been... weird. Great, getting to see my family and hang out. And hard. Because I'm not a mom yet but I am so close.

I am 37 weeks. I know that I could have this little guy any day and I couldn't be more excited about it. I want him here. I want to hold him and feed him at all hours of the night. I want to snuggle him and give him baths. I can't wait to lay out in the sun and just stare at him. I can't wait to teach him to walk and talk. I can't wait to see him grow up.

But I am excited for the little everyday things. I can't wait to have him wake me up at 3 in the morning. To be able to pick him up from his bassinet by my bed, change him and lay him on my chest to feed him. To just feel him close to me. To sit there and be amazed at the life I have been growing and caring for in my body for 9 months.

He is the reason my whole life is going to change. And I am okay with that. I am excited for it. I can't wait to find that person I am going to be. A balance between "Chelsea" and "Mom". Sometimes I think that these last few weeks are going to be harder then labor. They are everyday. Me thinking about the things I can't wait to start with him. I feel him moving around, and I know I am going to miss that, but I think I am going to fall in love with him more and more every second that he is here with me.

I really just can't wait. I'm not scared or nervous at all for labor and birth and all that. I'm... excited for it. And I'm doing it all natural. No drugs. No needles. Just me and God :]
Prayer is always good. But I know how strong I am. I know I can do this. Because this is what He made me for.

7 weeks left.

Life is crazy. Always. I'm starting to think that it will never slow down. That for the next 30 years it's going to be GO GO GO!!! So I have figured out that I am going to just take everything in the moment and breathe it in. I'm going to take lots of pictures, keep things that matter, throw things away that don't and love everyone around me with all my heart. 7 weeks and so much to do.

I have to get the nursery done in the next 3 weeks. And then move my mom in for a bit. And I have to get my room ready for Ryder to be in for a couple weeks. I kept putting things off thinking I would have enough time... but that's not going to happen. I have a lot to do and I will get it done before it's to late. I am doing really good on having everything I need for this little one. I only have a handful of things to pick up and I can wait a couple weeks to do that. So not to worried there.

Sean and I are going to baby classes and getting him ready for the whole labor, birth and newborn thing. I think he is a little more scared then he will let on. Maybe he just doesn't realize yet that this is happening soon. I think that once it starts he is going to be a little freaked out. But he is helping me with whatever I ask from him.

Life... The way it is.

I am working really hard right now to get life where I want it. I am throwing things away, giving things away. Trying to just cut back on everything I don't need. For awhile I was having a hard time because I wanted to keep everything that reminded me of my life before being a mom. But now I am starting to see that I want to keep some stuff... because they remind me of people and times that will always stay with me. But more then that, I want to start this new life. I want to find new things that make me happy and start making these new memories.

Last night I went and listened to an amazing lady talk about heaven. And about relationships. And on the way home I figured out what I want in life. I know where I want to be. And I know it's not going to happen overnight. I know it's going to take lots of time and work. But I'm willing to stick through it till I am where I am happy. So this morning I made myself get up and start going through things. Sometimes it's hard for me to do these kinda things. I am ready for a place of my own. To be living in a little two bedroom place. Settling in for this baby and just making the whole house mine. And I know that I will get there. Till then... I will do my best at making these two rooms as much mine as I can.

Not a long rant...

I am so ready for this little one to come into the world! Being pregnant is great, I love feeling Ryder moving and kicking. Sometimes it's the only way I can relax. Just sitting with my hands on my belly, my eyes closed. But I know that I will have the same feeling when I'm holding him in my arms just looking at him.

Baby shower next weekend, I hope I get the rest of the things I need. I don't need any of the big stuff. So I'm excited. I am also happy that I get to see my family and friends all together for a bit. I washed and put away Ryders clothes today. Which is just mean because I want him here with me, wearing them, NOW! But I still have 9 weeks till I am a full 40 weeks. I'm hoping he is just a little early so I can see him sooner. I'm not really good at the whole waiting thing :]

Spring Break

Always one time of the year that I get excited for... this year, it's a little different. Going down to California with my family. Driving. Hanging out heading home. The only thing about it that will be different, I'm going to be about 30 weeks pregnant. Can't really lay in the sun all day. I will have to take lots of breaks. Driving down there will be a little hard. I think we are heading to Disneyland for a day or two... and I can only ride half the rides. But mostly right now... my big worry is what I'm going to wear. Lol.

Not a big fan of cleavage... And right now no matter what kind of tank top or swim suit I wear it's going to be there. I don't really have a lot of summer clothes to wear being pregnant... and I don't want to buy a bunch because I won't need them much longer. A couple pairs of shorts I might be able to fit into. Some tank tops. A couple dresses I might be able to squeeze into ;] I know I am going to have a great time. It will be a lot of fun hanging out with my family and just getting to relax for a bit without needing to worry about what I still need to do to get ready for this baby. Until I leave and when I get back it's going to be overtime getting things ready.

But for those 10 days... I will just get to lay back in the sun. People watch like crazy. Take some pictures. Read a couple books I hope. Get a tan :]And have some fun.

9-13 weeks.

After putting things off again and again... I am to the point where I know I need to step things up and move forward. My room is painted. My dad and I are going to finish it up today. Wipe the walls down, clean up the light, take all the junk out of the closet. And I will start moving all my stuff back over. Hanging up pictures, getting things put where they go. And then start painting the nursery.
There are also things outside of the house that I need to start working on. Just kinda getting things where they need to be. Spring Break is in a couple weeks and I would like to be in California with my family from Portland. But I think I am going to push myself to get a couple things off my heart first. I need to be ready for this baby... not just having the house ready, but having myself ready. And right now I think I need more work on my heart then on the bedrooms. I just have a lot of hard choices to make. A lot of forgiving to start and things I just need to put behind me and start over on.
So here is to the next couple weeks. That God pushes me through these hard times and I come out happy and stronger in the end.

The past couple days.

I don't really know what's been going on. Maybe I just need a short break from my life. Or maybe I have just been thinking to much. There is so much I need to do but I just keep putting it all off because I don't want to take that first step. And it's stupid little things. Like wiping down the walls and sweeping so I can paint my room. Easy, but that means that I'm one step closer to being here for the next 6 months at least. I think it's the fact that I just don't know where I want to be this next year.

I had things figured out, where I was going and all that. But having a little one is changing all that. He can't just live out of a car with me. Lol. Not the best idea. So I will be here in Astoria. Then a job. Then I can think about moving somewhere new and great. But for now... I am here. Trying to figure out life for me.

14 weeks is to long.

The crib is set up. All painted, put together and ready for a little one to sleep in. I have the dresser full of new born clothes, sleepers, socks and wraps. One room is being prepped to paint so I can move my stuff into it. And then we are going to cover up the crib and paint the nursery.
It's hard because I know that there are still a few parts I need before I get to have this baby... But I really, really want him to be here. I can't wait for the days where it's him and I at the house, just being together. Heading into town to get coffee or out to Seaside to join friends. I know that 14 weeks isn't a long time. But right now it feels like it will take FOREVER! Lol.

Tattooed mommy.

I was talked yesterday about the fact that I hope someday the fact that I'm a little "different" then most moms wouldn't make things hard for my little boy. I was worried that my tattoos, piercings and the fact that I am a little... more open minded then most "Christian" moms. I know that Sean won't have a problem. Dads can be tattooed and all that without there being a problem.

But I was told that I am better off then I know. Because, yes, I have tattoos and I will be getting more. I have piercings. I love gay people and I don't think that religion should be pushed on anyone for any reason. I don't curse. I'm not a big party girl. I know what I want out of life and I am a hard worker. But the fact that I am different will maybe make things easier. Because I won't have to work as hard to show him that you should love all people, no matter how they look or anything. I can teach him to love through my actions instead of by just telling him.

I was told that with the strength that I have I don't have to work at being a good mom. Because I know the kind of family I want to have and I know what I do and don't want to do. I am very excited to be able to raise a little kid in a world with tattoos, dirt, lots of room to run around, a close family and the ability to learn everyday.

Kicks.

Over the past week Ryder has decided to let me know that he is always here. Hiccups, kicking and rolling all over the place. I'm loving it about 99% of the time. The other 1% is when I'm almost asleep and he starts kicking. Or when I have to pee and he rolls around right on top of my bladder... not the most fun.

I always thought that when I got pregnant I would be one of those girls who just got freaked out by the fact that there is a little person growing inside of me. And the first couple months were strange, but after he started moving... everything changed. I am amazed by what my body can do. That it can change enough to grow a human being. And that there is this connection that I will never have with anyone else. Something deep and loving. I know that I will do anything for this little boy. I don't care what it is. God has given girls the ultimate gift and I don't think that we realize it. I feel bad for guys. They don't get this. They get the feeling of being a father or a dad... but being a mother is so much more complex. Again, it's just amazing.

Weekends.

This last "weekend", which was a Thursday- Saturday for me, was amazing.
I am sitting in a Starbucks in Portland sending emails and checking up on orders for baby things. My stroller and car seat should be at my house by Wednesday. I have a mattress for the crib and I'm about to head out to pick that up from Ikea.

But the best part of my weekend was the fact that I was at Generation Unleashed with a huge group of people. Some I didn't know, some that I got to know and some that I will always know and love. I had a couple problems that I didn't think of this time, I am the girl who is always jumping around and on my knees and up and down. But this year, due to being kicked all the time, needing to use the bathroom and getting hungry every hour... GU was a little different. Not bad, of course not. I sat in the seats and prayed and sang and hung out with everyone. There were some points that I was like "OH! I understand now!!" Great little moments.

But nothing compared to the worship times. Sitting in my chair with my head leaned back, hands on my belly and felling Ryder dancing around. He moved more in the past three days then all the days I have been able to feel him put together. I got to put all my friends hands on my belly and introduce them to the little one growing in me. Lots of smiles and congrats from people I didn't know. And a moment that I just knew it all.

A moment of perfect clarity about Love. I realized I will never understand it fully, no one will. I was sitting there by my Husband, with one kind of love. With my best friend on my other side, a different kind of love. Feeling Ryder kicking and dancing with a bigger kind of love. And I realized that Gods Love is bigger then all of those put together. It's a full and complete love. And from that moment on, every kick was even better. Every kiss meant more. And listening to my friends was different.

I realized that Love is something that grows with everyone everyday. It's different and new and wonderful in it's own way. I don't ever want to have this baby. I want him to just stay in my and grow and move. But at the same time, I want him here in my arms. I want to see his smile and giggle with him. I can't wait to wake up every two hours to hold him close and feed him.

More then anything right now, I can't wait to raise him in the love that I am learning. I can't wait to show him all the different things and teach him about God. I will let him make his own choices about life and religion and relationships... but I will do my best to live the way that I feel is best. Having a relationship with God. Living in the love instead of the rules. I can't wait to see this little guy and see how his life turns out. And I know that I have the best group of family and friends to bring him up in.

Thank you. To all my friends for caring and loving me. Even when it's not easy. Thank you for wanting to help teach Ryder about life and the world. I couldn't and don't want to do this alone. I love each and every one of you.

Looking back.

Sometimes, when I realize that I am missing a picture I though I had or I can't find a song that has been stuck in my head, I start thinking back to years ago. It's funny because most of the time I think about my friends and summer, my family and winter. And when I am thinking of myself I remember hair cuts. Lol.

So today I was trying to find some old pictures and I just keep staring at some of them. Great times with friends and family. And looking at these pictures I started thinking about how pretty I look in them. I'm not being cocky or full of myself or anything. Like most girls, when I look in the mirror I see the things I wish I could fix. I see everything that is wrong with. But looking at these pictures I was amazed at how good I looked and I started wondering why.

So I went back and looked at them again, it's because of how happy I was with myself at those points. Either being single, taken, living alone, living with family, working with lots of money or poor. It didn't matter. I was happy with who I was at the time. I liked where I was and who I was with. I miss those days. That is what I am working for again. To be able to look in the mirror every morning when I am getting ready and think that I'm beautiful and to be happy with myself.

So here are some photos of me and friends and great times:

A new look.

I'm taking a look at my life right now and the things I would like to change before this little one makes it's way into the world. I know that some people would tell me what to do or how to do certain things. But to me, it's about making myself happy so that my boy grows up knowing that it's not about money and "things" in life, it's about love and being happy with who you are.

So yes, I am not cursing. But I am still listening to rap music and watching rated R movies. I am not smoking or drinking, but I will go out with friends and have a drink. Just not into the whole party thing. I am writing more, drawing more, painting, crafting and doing music more. Because those are things that make me happy and stress a little bit less. I am just trying to figure out who I am and where I am going.

One thing that has not changed and won't is the fact that God is the biggest thing in my life. I took a break from the youth group because I have a lot going on and I needed to learn how to spend my time with God and not force it. The last couple months have been the hardest I have gone through in a long time, and I needed to let God work on my heart. This next weekend is Generation Unleashed and I will be going this year. I'm hoping that it helps me find the balance I need between my own relationship with God and the fact that His love is all about loving others. I'm looking for that little sign that He will be sending me.

expecting... emotions.

Being pregnant is one of the weirdest things ever. Don't get me wrong, it's amazing. Knowing that inside of me there is a little one growing and he was made through love... it's something that men will never understand and girls only fully get when it happens to them. But everything that goes along with it, is just strange. All the emotions, needs, wants.

I can be happy one minute, upset the next, then mad for no reason. I am scared and nervous all the time. But only in little pieces. Evey day that I get closer to bringing this little guy to the world I am more excited about seeing him, scared about the birth and I have no idea what I am doing. Lol. It's awesome. One of those things God made that we will never figure out. I understand that it's all hormones and instinct but at the same time, it's so much more then that.

Ryder kicks ALL the time. When I'm eating or laying down. And I love it. I love feeling him inside me knowing that right now, I am what is keeping him going, Just like he will be doing for me in a few months. When all I want to do is sleep because I'm up all the time. But I know that seeing his little face, feeding him, even just looking at him while he is sleeping is going to make those hard months indescribable.

A new year and a life that is a little crazy.

2011. A brand new year. A lot has happened in the time that I haven't written. A lot in my life, in my heart and in relationships. This is a year of growth and learning in all the different areas of my life. Something that I am working on everyday. To learn who I am and where my path leads. I'm not looking for my path, I know I am on it, but I am looking forward to see what the days will bring me.

I know that some people will judge me for things I say or things I do. But this isn't about that. I know in my heart what is and what is not. I also know all the facts. So if you are going to read this and think to yourself how my life is "wrong" or how I am "messing up" because it's not how you think it should be, unless you have sat down and had hours long conversations with me on any of these subjects, you don't know what you are talking about.

I am 21 weeks pregnant now. More then halfway there. Waiting for a little boy at the start of June. And for that, I couldn't be more excited. I have always wanted to be a mother. I wanted to wait till I was 25 or so to start thinking about it. But this is Gods plan and I know that it will be amazing. I already love this little one more then anything. I love that I can place my hand over my belly and feel him moving. And when I close my eyes at night he is the last one that I'm thinking of. He is perfect and I haven't even met him yet.

Sean and I are what we are. We are trying to make things work but struggling for many different reasons. This is one of those things where if you are close to one of us you will hear and share in this journey. If not, you will see what the outcome is. I'm not going to write a lot about our personal trials on here because it's not something everyone needs to know.

I am living at my dads house again. Struggling with my own things but getting by with help from people I love. We are setting up the nursery in the next 2 months and making sure that the house is ready to bring a baby into. I will be here for about 6 months after the baby is born so that I have help when I am figuring out the whole mom thing. And in those times, I will be leaning on everyone I love and trust.

This new journey isn't going to be easy. It's not going to be clean. But I think I am more ready for all of this then anything before because I know for a fact that I can make it through. I know that it's going to turn out just fine and I will be stronger everyday because of where I have been, where I am and where I am going.