Christmas.

All I can say this year...
I thought the spirit of Christmas was to being people together as a family. Not make people feel left out, unappreciated and alone.

Guess not. This Christmas sucks.

Hard night.

Tonight is just another one of those nights. My brain is full and I feel like I'm at my breaking point. I don't really have anyone to talk to and I feel very alone right now.

I know a lot of people having babies right now. And I am so happy for all of them. They are all with someone, with healthy babies and amazing pictures of them in the hospital with their newborns. And as happy as I am for them... I'm also jealous right now. I don't have any pictures of my little girl in my arms. None of me kissing her right after she was born. Not because we didn't have anyone there to take pictures... But because labor was so fast and she had so many health problems right away that I didnt get to hold her for a couple days.

Maybe it's just because I remember those moments with Ryder and I'm sad that I will never get them with Kyla. I know that she won't remember but I feel like we were both robbed of those moments that hold the biggest bond.

I am very thankful that she is okay. (she still has some problems but she is sleeping on my chest at home right now. Which is a big step from the NICU.) and I know that I am luckier then some are. I got to being my baby home. And we were only in the NICU for a week. But I still get those little jealousy pangs when I see pictures of my friends with their hour old baby on their chest.

I have a lot on my mind. But I couldn't be happier when I let it all fall away. I can hear Ry snoring in his crib. Kyla is on my chest. I am in a warm bed, under a roof. There is food in the fridge and I have a car with gas sitting in the driveway. I have a lot more then most people. I have a lot to be thankful for. And right now... The thing I thank God the most for is the fact that my babies are both here with me. They are my entire world. And without them, I wouldn't really be anything. They are what gets me up in the morning and why I make it to the end of each day. I love them more then I could ever say.

Moving forward.

Today has been one of those days where I can't stop venting. Everything I say... Is about how irritated I am with one person or something.
I need someone I can vent everything to and be done for the day. I hate feeling like I'm complaining all the time. But I can't just keep everything inside. I really need to figure out how this whole work thing is going to work as soon as I can go back so I can get my own place.

I miss having a place to go visit and relax at. Home is never really home anymore.

Out of place.

I feel so... Not apart of everything here. I feel left out. Like a burden. I feel like I need to be invited to do anything and I feel bad asking to join in on things. I am trying my hardest right now to figure things out and get out of here so everyone can have their normal life back. And I hate it here the longer I am here. Not because of anything that happens or anything anyone does. I just hate feeling this way.

I don't feel like I'm home. I don't feel needed here. It's not that I don't feel wanted, but I almost don't. I know this is hard on everyone. And that having us here costs more and brings up unexpected everything. But I just feel... Out of place. I'm ready to be able to visit sometimes and not feel stuck all the time.

I think I'm just to the end of my rope with everything all at once which makes things harder. I just wish I had someone helping me.

The next year.

I understand that the next year will be about my babies. Every year will be about my babies. And for that... I am not complaining. I am lucky to be able to have healthy babies. Lucky to have my babies living. Lucky to have them in my life. I know that. And I will never complain about taking care of them. I will always work my ass off to give them the things they need and work harder to give them the memories they want.

But also... I am going to be working on me. Doing things I want to do. Having fun while still being a mom. I will wear the clothes I love, fun shoes, my hair and make up will be done. I don't need to look like a worn out mom just because I might be one.

I am excited to start working somewhere that gives me a stable paycheck and a way to live the life I imagine. I'm just excited to get a place, a car and have my own life with my babies.

Rant or ramble or just complaining.

Someday, I will have the kind of husband that other girls have. The kind that come home after working to the smell of their favorite cookies. He walks in, gives a kiss and asks how the day went with the little ones.
I will have a husband who sees how strong and amazing I am... But understands that I am a girl at heart and need to have someone to be strong with me.

I'm having a hard day because I have surrounded myself with strong relationships. And seeing or hearing about how wonderful things are (even in the hard times) makes it difficult when my good times are really only forced moments.

Past few nights.

Ry has not wanted to go to bed. He lays down and snuggles in... 20 minutes later he is up crying. This just started. Most of the time we have had no problems with bedtime. So I am hating this. Hearing him cry alone... So most of the time I go in 10 minutes later and get him in my bed and try to sleep early. Which also doesn't work.

I just hate it right now. I know I need to let him figure out his normal nights again, but it sucks. I want him to just lay down and be okay and get good rest at night.