The things we do for love.

So as a lot of you know, right now I am in Portland helping out my Grandmother. She just had some surgery and for the first few days has needed help most of the time. Someone to give her drugs at the right time, the right amount. Someone to help clean her stitches and get her anything she needed. So I am here with my Aunt and her boyfriend helping out in anyway we can. So again, for those of you who know me... I'm not good with blood or any of that. So this has been hard. But I have gotten the strength to do what I need to so that she heals with no problems. And in this process I have amazed myself. I can handle a lot more then I thought. I don't give myself enough credit sometimes. And this has shown me that no matter what I go through in life, I can trust myself to pull through when I'm needed.

But not only do we push ourselves in ways we don't think possible for our family... but for anyone we love. I have put everything on the line before because I wanted to be there for someone that meant a lot to me. I have given up on dreams and pushed my life aside so that I could be there for a boy. For a friend. And I don't regret it. I have learned so much about who I am now because of everything I have done. I love where I am going and who I will become at the end of everything. I know what I will never do again and I know what will hurt me if I ever try again. And I love knowing that. I love knowing what I can do and what I still need to work on.

I guess the only thing I'm really saying is... don't underestimate what you can do when you have no choice or when someone you care deeply for asks for help. Because you will shock yourself with how you handle that part of life.

Hair.

I know, I know... Hair? Really now, hair? Yep. That's what I'm going to talk about. My hair. Because it's the one thing that I change all the time. All looking through pictures today I was thinking about the fact that I have had some great hairstyles and some not so great ones. I am one of those lucky girls who looks good with short and long hair. Can't say the same thing for light and dark. I can pull of any shade of blonde. Give me a brown and I bet I can work it. Black... there is no way I will ever look like anything but a vampire with black hair. My skin is very white. I can pull of some reds. But those get semi tricky because I have a pink undertones. But anyways...

There is one hairstyle I loved. And always will. My curlhawk. The nice light blonde, curly, shorter on the sides curlhawk. It was funky and girly and me. I debate on getting it again. It's easy, fun and I can dress it up or down.


But... I also miss my medium curled hair. When it was blonde or the reddish brown. I loved them both for different reasons. They were more grown up. But I could pull my hair back into a ponytail if I wanted. Good for lazy days. But I could pull it up and make it fancy if needed.


I'm at that point where I just don't know what to do. And I guess I'm just kinda stuck on the whole hair thing. I love it short. I love it long. I don't like it in the middle cause it's boring and I can't do anything with it. No good :D

6 year plan...

I was listening to KLove the other day and they were talking about advice you would give to someone you know who is graduating high school. Everyone was calling in talking about just being "yourself" and "finding your way". Which is good. I am all for finding out who you are and where you want to go... but at the same time you need to hear the real stuff. You need to hear about finding your passion and going after it. You need to hear that everything is not going to be easy and that's why it's all worth it. But I did hear one thing I liked...

This girl was talking about how her family is very supportive. If she wanted to go to college, they would help. If she wanted to start just going on missions, they would help. They kept telling her that she could do anything she wanted... but she was waiting for the advise she needed. Then one day she was talking to her dad about the fact that for school her teacher had asked them to all come up with a 6 year plan to share with the class. You know the whole, "I'm going to Yale, then off to change the world." Well she didn't know what she was going to say. She didn't want to get up there and say, "I don't have a plan. I'm just kinda living till I find the place I want to be." Her and her dad talked about life and what she wanted out of it. Then her dad said something amazing...

"If you live everyday for God, you have your 6 year plan. Because He will take you where He needs you."

She figured out what she was going to tell her class. That's where I am now. I don't know where I will be next month, let alone in a couple years. I'm living where I'm needed. I'm living where God has placed me through hard situations. And I'm loving it. Even though I'm stressed out most of the time. And I get irritated with the things that I don't have or can't do. But I know that it's all worth where God is leading me. So I'm walking everyday in His footsteps just to make it one day closer to His goal for me.

Left behind.

I'm not writing everyday. And it's not because I don't have anything to say... I'm just not in the mood to write. I'm just kinda here, trying to get things in order. I'm living and having as much fun as I can while still doing everything I need to do. So I'm trying. I will be in Portland for a week, maybe a week and a half due to helping out family. I'm sure I will be writing more up there. I will have more time away from home and time to think.

Wishes...

One of the big things I want to do in life... I want to go to Africa and get my heart broken. I want to learn how to live through the eyes of humans that live with their hearts. This is something I want to do... and here is a chance to do it. A free mission trip to Africa. If you copy and paste the link below into a new window and you can sign up. And you help me get closer to my dream. Thank you.

<3 Chelsea.

http://freeafricatrip.com/?fbid=HFESHbMvUCd

Days.

Sometimes days seem to take forever... like there is no end. Sometimes they fly by and you have to ask yourself where they went. I like days that are kinda in the middle. The days where you lay back with people you love and they seem just long enough between that first ray of light in the morning and the last kiss goodnight.

The past week... I have had every kind of day. Bad days, great days. Days I wanted to live forever and days that I just wanted them to end. Right now... I'm having one of those days where I keep thinking about the future. I know what I want. I know what I need... now if only I could get there.

I have been daydreaming... a lot. More then normal. And it's good right now. It's keeping me moving forward. I have been dreaming about a lot of stuff. Getting my own place, baking for different things, being in love and following that love where it takes me. I have been dreaming about jobs and paths and school. I'm excited for what the future holds and I'm looking forward to the people it brings into my life. I'm ready.

The Breakfast Club.

So I haven't written in a bit. But right now I'm watching The Breakfast Club and it's got me to thinking about people... I am starting to realize that people I hang out with now, the people I think are close to me, they are different then I thought they were. We kinda got put together because of other people... and I seem to be better friends with the ones I shouldn't have met. But it worked out great this way because we seem to be better friends.

I have lost a lot of people in the past year. And I am starting to be okay with that... because the people I do have with me are better then anyone I could ask for. I am very thankful for the group I am in. For the people I call friends and for those who I am always leaning on.

Summers coming.

And everyday that gets warmer... the more excited I get. I can't wait to stay up late by a fire, go camping by the ocean, hang with friends at the beach. I'm excited for Seaside, Washington State Park, Long Beach, Creation and road trips. I'm ready to see my family and say goodbye to new people. To welcome back a sister and see a sister off. I can't wait to drive around with no where to go. And have a ton of music blaring. Kool-Aid and fruit. The Sunday Market. Tea and Iced Chai from Starbucks. I can't wait to wear shorts with my sneakers and dresses with my cowboy boots. I'm excited for all the little things. I can't wait to get summer of 2010 started!

Love.

Love is a funny thing. You want it, after you get it you want more and when it hurts you... well, you swear you will never put yourself through that again. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's harder. But I think it's always worth it.

Right now, in the middle of my crazy life, I have found a guy who is always there for me. Through the easy parts and the parts that I don't know how I'm going to get through. He is strong, smart, funny, mature, spirit filled, loving, respectful, reliable, hard working and he pushes me to be better without even knowing it. He is standing by me and helping me everyday. I don't think I give him enough credit. He is growing into an amazing man, the kind of man that I have been looking for. And while he is growing, I am also growing up. So it's a good fit now. We can help each other and give each other space when needed. He never pushes but he is always asking if there is any way he can help me in the moments in time that I am so stressed that I am about to break. He reminds me to take a second, close my eyes and just let all the good wash over me.

We have been going through a hard time with family things, together. We both have different issues but they effect our relationship... which was difficult till just a few days ago. I think. I have come to realize that I can't try to fix this all on my own. It's not going to work that way. This is a relationship. It's sharing between two people about life and how to solve problems. It's not something that I can do without him. So there has been talk between him and I about where we are at. And there has been talk with my family about how I feel about him and how they need to accept him into the family with open arms.

Half of my family is already crazy about him. Telling me that I would be crazy to let him go. Because they can tell that this is how I am happy... with him. And that he is happy with me. The other half just hasn't had that time to get to know him. So my plans for the next month... get him there. Have him hang out with all those people that just seem iffy. And I know it's going to work out. Because how can you say no to love? You can't.

So this is for love. The crazy, head over heels, over the moon love. The kind that you can't wait for the next time you talk, the next time you see them, the next time you can hug them. This is for the love that starts out as so much more... this is for the love of a best friend that can't be beat because it's just what God made for your heart. This is for my love. This is to help start our life together. To make a family out of who we are and the people in our lives that have shaped us. This is to Mr. Sean Hernandez, because I'm fighting for him just as much as he is fighting for me. With my heart, soul, spirit and mind. I'm giving it all and I'm not giving up.

Looking for more.

It's kind of funny how fast life can change. One minute you are on top of the world, living life how you want. Then next you have fallen so far that you don't know how you are even going to get on level ground again. And then you look for ways out, but nothing seems to work out. You look around at how everyone else is living and you don't understand why you just can't get there.

That's kind of where I am. I know what I have and I'm thankful for that. I know that I have it better then some people. But at the same time I'm stuck in this cycle. No car, no money, no job. Without one of those I can't get the others. I like in Knappa. Only way into town is a car. To get a car I need money. To make money I need a job... So I need a car to get to my job. Just one of those things. I'm trying to just let things work out and I'm trying to figure out other ways around this.

I can use my dads car. Which means working only in the evenings. Not a bad thing. Or I can go into town with him in the morning and have him pick me up when I am done. Also not a bad thing. But it gets harder when I get called in or work a back and forth or whatever. It's just those little things that you need to remember. But things will work out. I will get a job and a car and things will go back to the way they should be.

I think right now one of the biggest problems for me is I feel stuck at home. I can't go anywhere or see anyone. I throw on jeans and a shirt everyday, pull my hair up and don't put on make up. I feel fine. But I don't feel alive. I don't feel like me. I need the freedom to go places and see people. I need to do something with my life and not just clean the house everyday. It gets old real fast.

But I'm trying to stay positive. To look at the good side of things and keep pushing myself forward. This just might take some time. And until then I'm still me... just in a funk for a bit, I guess.

Nights like this.

Sometimes people just get stuck in a rut. Tonight is one of those nights. I just feel really stuck with where I am. There is so much I want to do, but I can't take the first step without some help. And asking for that help is a hard thing for me to do. So right now... I'm just waiting for those seconds coming up that I can grab on to what I need. And I will be okay. I will get through this time just like I have in the past. And I will come out on top stronger.

Waiting for summer.

Summer time... my favorite time of year. Sun, warmth and days of being around people you love. Bonfires, going to the beach all the time, Ice Tea, shorts, dresses, swim suits. I can't wait for camping and Creation Fest. To lay under the stars in jeans and a tank top, listening to music and holding hands.

Summers always leave a big mark on my life. I learn a lot, I lose a lot, I love a lot. It's just the way things seem to go. I'm excited about this one. I don't know what it holds and that makes things even better!

So this is short, sweet and has no point. Just a girl, laying in bed, wanting the sun to come out for goooooood!

Mothers Day weekend.

Today I'm sitting on the floor at my mamas house. Enjoying the sun, the baking and the fact that she is puttering around moving everything in the house. It kind of reminds me of being little. She would move things around all the time. I loved it. It was like coming home to a new house every few weeks. I figured... It's Mothers Day weekend. So I would spend it here with her. At some points we are both doing our own thing. Sometimes we are together. But it's not stressful or irritating or any of those things. We are just being us. And it's nice.

Over the past few years we have had our ups and downs. I'm a lot like her and I think at times it scares her. She wants me to be okay in life. She wants me to be happy. And I love her very much. She has taught me a lot about growing up and how to be happy. That happiness comes from what you do, not what you have. That love and family means more then your paychecks and that friendship can last through anything. I love my mama very much. And she will always be a huge part of my life.

Being a girl.

Some days... Like today, I just want to dress up and be a girl! I want to do my hair and make up. I want to put on a dress and some cute shoes. I want to listen to love songs and dance around while getting ready. Then I think for a moment, why am I doing this to myself? I have no where to go, nothing to do. Why spend all that time getting "pretty"? And then I remember, because I'm a girl. That's what I do. Sometimes you just have to give in and do what you want.

Today I didn't. And I'm starting to feel it. At the end of the day, when things are coming to a close, I feel it. The need to be something more. To have more then just this repetitive, average life. I want a reason to wake up and look amazing everyday. Even if it is just for myself. I want to feel alive more then I do now. And maybe that has nothing to do with dressing up... but maybe it does. Maybe that's where it starts.

So tomorrow... I am baking for my mom for Mothers Day. And before I do, I'm going to make myself feel good. If that means taking a walk in the morning before everyone is up or putting on make up, that's what I am going to do. I will get ready for a nice warm day, shorts! And a shirt that I love. I will feel cute and very much like myself. I will do what I want. Be who I am. And I will not apologize for that.

I'm a girl... No. I'm a woman. And I am a strong one at that. So going back to my whole "being me in this world where girls should fit all these molds..." I'm not going to. I'm going to only fit the mold that was made for me. And I will be happy about it. Oh yeah.

The pain and joys of growing up.

I remember when I was little and I couldn't wait to grow up. To be 16, 18 and then 21. I thought that those ages were going to bring me everything I needed. A car, my own place, freedom and all those "things" grown ups had. Well... now I am there. Gone through the cars, had my own places and got the responsibilities I had wanted so bad. Growing up is not an easy thing. It's not something that happens overnight on a birthday or when you wake up one morning. It takes a lot of time and understanding.

Right now I am kind of stuck in a point in my life where I want to be out on my own. With all my own rules, being with who I want and doing everything I can while I am still young. But I am at home, with no car and a minimal job. It gets me by and I am grateful for it. I am thankful that I have a place to live, food to eat and someone who is here for me when I need anything. But at the same time, it's not where I feel I should be. But I'm starting to see that this is just the next step. There are a few things I still need to learn before I finally take off and I can learn them here with little judgment and lots of support.

My dad and I have a hard time. We have gone through a lot in the past few years. Mistakes have been made, promises broken and we have disrespected each other in different ways. So we have to move past that. And in doing so we are building a new relationship. We disagree on almost everything... Just because we see things differently. For me, it's hard to understand where he is coming from. He has lived a very different life then I have. Which also makes it hard for him to understand me. We come from different places. There is a lot we can learn from each other. But it's irritating at times. We end up fighting and hurt. But we are still trying. This point in my life is hard but I keep trying.

I can't do what I want all the time. I almost never get to see my friends. Then I get blamed for choosing one over the other. It's hard to find a balance when I don't have control of my whole life. So the struggle continues. I love my friends. They are starting to understand more what I am trying to do, so they give me the time I need to get things in place. I know that it's a hard thing to do, but I also know that it's what needs to happen right now. I miss being able to go out and not have to worry about being home or making anyone mad because I'm out. I miss going to the beach randomly or hanging at a friends house doing a whole lot of nothing. I miss interacting with people my age. I miss being able to talk about what's going on. But I'm growing stronger and learning how to grow up.

Crazy little thing called love.

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball. Something that just messes with all the plans you had set out in front of you. All tidy, organized and ready to take action at the right moment... then BOOOOM!! Your plans are shattered and you are looking around for the next step. Sometimes that happens when you are figuring out where to go to school, when to start a family or when you are going to fall in love. Yep... love.

We plan out in our heads what we long for. Those perfect days and endless nights. Slow motion greetings and the sad goodbyes we will all get from the one we end up with. I remember nights where every single detail was perfect, from the sounds to the smell of the grass to the way he kissed me. And those weren't the only moments I remember... I think back to holding hands, walking on the beach, laughing about stupid stuff and being friends. And that's when I realize... That's what I miss more then anything. I miss the friendship.

I was so busy with my plans that I started pushing him to be who I wanted and needed. And I started pushing myself to be what I thought I should be for him. All of a sudden... BOOOOM! Everything started falling apart. And I was looking around for what to do and who to blame. Now it's hitting me. It's not his fault. It's not my fault. It's just the way things go. I'm giving myself time to grow up. Find out who I really am before I try and fit myself with someone else.

All I'm saying is... sometimes love isn't enough. You need friendship, trust, respect, passion, understanding and love to get through anything. You need to feel like you have your best friend by your side each morning you wake up and every night when you go to bed. You know the saying, "If you love something let it go."? Because we need the freedom to be who we are in and out of relationships... the reason you fall in love with someone is because of who they are, right? Why should that ever change? It shouldn't.

My stand... learn who you are before you settle down. Even when everyone around you is getting married and having families, remember that you can still be out in the world doing what you have always wanted to do. Dream your dreams. Make a list of what you want to do in your life and start checking them off. Fall in love when you are ready and don't rush it. When you rush love you only end up with two broken hearts. Stay true to yourself.

Feelings are funny things.

I have been thinking a lot these past couple days about feelings. How you can hold the same emotion for two people, but it's a different feeling for both. I have been thinking about letting people close, it's something that we need in life. We need someone to lean on, someone to help us in tough times. But letting people in is hard. Because the more you trust someone... or trust yourself with someone, the more they can hurt you. And the hurt isn't always something that is thought through. Sometimes it's a word or an action. Sometimes it's just the silence that is in the room. I have been hurt these past few days. And they have been from only a couple people, but they have been people that I trust with my secrets and feelings. So it's hard.

But one of the biggest things in life is forgiveness. Being able to move past the hurt and try again. I won't give up on these people. I won't back down. I will keep working on making my relationships with them better, stronger and easier. Things will fall into place they way they should. And until then, I will just keep standing up for myself and fighting beside them.

Missing.

I realized today that I miss a lot of people. I miss old friend, old flames and old besties. But in this realization I also thought about the fact that I wouldn't go back or pull them forward to still be what we were. I don't need that. They don't either. People go through situations with the friends they have. Then you grow up, they grow up or you just learn that it isn't where you should be.

Short blog. I miss my best girlfriend. It's weird not being with her all the time. I miss my best guy friend. We never have a chance to hang out anymore. And I miss my best friend. He and I are going through a very hard season. I just miss having someone to hold hands with and look out over the ocean. To laugh and joke and cry with. I miss long talks and the peace that came with being safe. My heart misses a lot. But I know things will work out how they should. So I'm letting the chips fall where they may. And I'm holding my heart deep inside... waiting for the right moment to let it be pursued and captivating.