Out of place.

I feel so... Not apart of everything here. I feel left out. Like a burden. I feel like I need to be invited to do anything and I feel bad asking to join in on things. I am trying my hardest right now to figure things out and get out of here so everyone can have their normal life back. And I hate it here the longer I am here. Not because of anything that happens or anything anyone does. I just hate feeling this way.

I don't feel like I'm home. I don't feel needed here. It's not that I don't feel wanted, but I almost don't. I know this is hard on everyone. And that having us here costs more and brings up unexpected everything. But I just feel... Out of place. I'm ready to be able to visit sometimes and not feel stuck all the time.

I think I'm just to the end of my rope with everything all at once which makes things harder. I just wish I had someone helping me.

The next year.

I understand that the next year will be about my babies. Every year will be about my babies. And for that... I am not complaining. I am lucky to be able to have healthy babies. Lucky to have my babies living. Lucky to have them in my life. I know that. And I will never complain about taking care of them. I will always work my ass off to give them the things they need and work harder to give them the memories they want.

But also... I am going to be working on me. Doing things I want to do. Having fun while still being a mom. I will wear the clothes I love, fun shoes, my hair and make up will be done. I don't need to look like a worn out mom just because I might be one.

I am excited to start working somewhere that gives me a stable paycheck and a way to live the life I imagine. I'm just excited to get a place, a car and have my own life with my babies.

Rant or ramble or just complaining.

Someday, I will have the kind of husband that other girls have. The kind that come home after working to the smell of their favorite cookies. He walks in, gives a kiss and asks how the day went with the little ones.
I will have a husband who sees how strong and amazing I am... But understands that I am a girl at heart and need to have someone to be strong with me.

I'm having a hard day because I have surrounded myself with strong relationships. And seeing or hearing about how wonderful things are (even in the hard times) makes it difficult when my good times are really only forced moments.

Past few nights.

Ry has not wanted to go to bed. He lays down and snuggles in... 20 minutes later he is up crying. This just started. Most of the time we have had no problems with bedtime. So I am hating this. Hearing him cry alone... So most of the time I go in 10 minutes later and get him in my bed and try to sleep early. Which also doesn't work.

I just hate it right now. I know I need to let him figure out his normal nights again, but it sucks. I want him to just lay down and be okay and get good rest at night.

Back and forth.

I feel very much like my relationship is stuck in this whole back and forth thing. We try, we work on things... Then it all stops again. I understand that there are things he wants from me. But there are also things I need from him. And maybe we just aren't good at picking up on those wants or needs. Or maybe we see things so differently now that we have a hard time finding the reasons why the others "needs" just seem like silly "wants" to us. Which isn't for us to decide.

I'm just having a hard time. I kinda feel alone in all this and I don't really know know how to move forward or figure things out right this moment.

I can not wait...

To have my own place. And it's funny because it has nothing to do with me and what I want for myself. Sure, it will be nice to have a place that is mine again. To have my own rules and all that. But mostly... I can't wait for Ry and this baby.

I can't wait till I don't have to be quiet so my sister and her friends can hear a movie. Or the fact that I can leave toys out while making dinner. I can't wait till Ry has more then a little play area.

I can't wait till the living room doesn't get cleaned till after bedtime, where the bedroom has stuffed animals and things to play with on the floor. Where I don't have to watch every second because there is more then just rys stuff that he can reach. I can't wait for a place where I have less worry about what my kids are doing.

Not my day.

I'm having one of those days where all I want is to be alone. Not alone alone. But just me and my babies. I'm irritated with people and frustrated with things.
I want to cuddle up in bed and play with Ry. To have a relaxing night. Take a shower and go to sleep early. I don't want to deal with everything. I just need a couple days off.
Off of work and stress. To not worry about the fact that I have bills I need to pay and things I still need to get ready.

It's just one of those days where I'm upset abut where I'm not and I just wish promises would have been kept on both ends. I just want my grumpy face snuggle bug in my arms and this new little one safe. I just want 3 good days in a row.

Thankful and jealous.

I am very thankful that I can carry a baby full term. (not saying anything against moms who don't or can't) I'm thankful I can give my little ones as much time to grow and everything. I'm thankful that carrying full term means an easier labor and faster healing (as long as I stay healthy). But right now... I'm a little jealous.

I know that due dates are all estimated. That doctors can be certain of when a baby will be born. But the fact my my due date is anywhere between now and mid November makes it hard. And then you throw in the fact that ALL the girls I know who are pregnant are having babies 2-4 weeks early... I'm ready for my newborn snuggle time. I'm ready to meet this little girl. It's hard doing everyday alone while pregnant and chasing a 16 month old.

I know I shouldn't be jealous. And I should enjoy every moment alone with Ry I can get. And I do. I take advantage more then most people think. I go to the zoo, I do snuggle nap times... Sometimes I even wake him up at night just to get that extra time with him. But at the same time, I'm ready for this new little one to round out our family.

I know the day will be soon. Even if I wait another 4 weeks for her... She is worth every moment I can give her in her safe little home. So until she is ready... I will snuggle Ry extra, put my hands on my belly to pray, get things as ready as I can and just wait for her.

Selfish.

I'm being a little selfish right now. And I'm letting myself feel it because most of the time I don't really get time to think of myself. I'm very focused on being a good mom and move forward and all of that.
But tonight... I'm upset about the things I can't have right now. I would love to spend some time and money on me. To get my nails done, have a massage, get my hair cut. It would be great to have the extra money to do pictures of this little ones birth and then do a whole family session. But... All my money is gone pretty much right after it goes in the bank.

And I understand that is just how it works sometimes. I just feel like I have been working my butt off for so long but don't have a lot to show for it because I have no help right now. And I know that will change at some point. And I also know that tomorrow I will wake up and not care again about the things I can't do for myself.

Because when it really comes down to it... If I had the money I would go buy stuff for my babies instead. Because they are what make me happy at the end of each day.