The past couple days.

I don't really know what's been going on. Maybe I just need a short break from my life. Or maybe I have just been thinking to much. There is so much I need to do but I just keep putting it all off because I don't want to take that first step. And it's stupid little things. Like wiping down the walls and sweeping so I can paint my room. Easy, but that means that I'm one step closer to being here for the next 6 months at least. I think it's the fact that I just don't know where I want to be this next year.

I had things figured out, where I was going and all that. But having a little one is changing all that. He can't just live out of a car with me. Lol. Not the best idea. So I will be here in Astoria. Then a job. Then I can think about moving somewhere new and great. But for now... I am here. Trying to figure out life for me.

14 weeks is to long.

The crib is set up. All painted, put together and ready for a little one to sleep in. I have the dresser full of new born clothes, sleepers, socks and wraps. One room is being prepped to paint so I can move my stuff into it. And then we are going to cover up the crib and paint the nursery.
It's hard because I know that there are still a few parts I need before I get to have this baby... But I really, really want him to be here. I can't wait for the days where it's him and I at the house, just being together. Heading into town to get coffee or out to Seaside to join friends. I know that 14 weeks isn't a long time. But right now it feels like it will take FOREVER! Lol.

Tattooed mommy.

I was talked yesterday about the fact that I hope someday the fact that I'm a little "different" then most moms wouldn't make things hard for my little boy. I was worried that my tattoos, piercings and the fact that I am a little... more open minded then most "Christian" moms. I know that Sean won't have a problem. Dads can be tattooed and all that without there being a problem.

But I was told that I am better off then I know. Because, yes, I have tattoos and I will be getting more. I have piercings. I love gay people and I don't think that religion should be pushed on anyone for any reason. I don't curse. I'm not a big party girl. I know what I want out of life and I am a hard worker. But the fact that I am different will maybe make things easier. Because I won't have to work as hard to show him that you should love all people, no matter how they look or anything. I can teach him to love through my actions instead of by just telling him.

I was told that with the strength that I have I don't have to work at being a good mom. Because I know the kind of family I want to have and I know what I do and don't want to do. I am very excited to be able to raise a little kid in a world with tattoos, dirt, lots of room to run around, a close family and the ability to learn everyday.

Kicks.

Over the past week Ryder has decided to let me know that he is always here. Hiccups, kicking and rolling all over the place. I'm loving it about 99% of the time. The other 1% is when I'm almost asleep and he starts kicking. Or when I have to pee and he rolls around right on top of my bladder... not the most fun.

I always thought that when I got pregnant I would be one of those girls who just got freaked out by the fact that there is a little person growing inside of me. And the first couple months were strange, but after he started moving... everything changed. I am amazed by what my body can do. That it can change enough to grow a human being. And that there is this connection that I will never have with anyone else. Something deep and loving. I know that I will do anything for this little boy. I don't care what it is. God has given girls the ultimate gift and I don't think that we realize it. I feel bad for guys. They don't get this. They get the feeling of being a father or a dad... but being a mother is so much more complex. Again, it's just amazing.