Passion.

Passion is not something that can, in my mind, be defined in a simple term. Passion is an emotion like love, it encompasses so many different feelings that explaining it easily does it no justice. I have been thinking about passion a lot these last couple days. Passion in myself and how I see it in other people. So that's what I'm here for today, to let you see passion how I see it. Full, heavy, alive and loving.

I was looking through some pictures that my friend had taken a few months ago for a wedding. I started talking to her about it, asking her questions. Not only about her camera but about the people she was working with. The way her eyes lit up with love and the way she looked, you could tell that this is what she wanted to do with her whole life. It was the passion she had for capturing the moment. And while letting her explain all the details, I was filled with joy because it was radiating off of her... And it reminded me of someone else.

Another friend of mine, someone who is totally living for God. (I have a lot of friends like this, but one stuck out in my mine) He has been following his dreams for so long, pushing to get to where he is going. And he is doing amazing! Every time I see him, he looks better. He looks more like himself. He speaks about his life now and he loves every past of it. Because he has a burning passion for God.

For two important people in my life, it's music. No matter what is going on in their lives, they turn to music. Singing, playing guitars and just letting go by writing. I am in awe of them. The passion they have that they hold on to. Something that they work on because being "okay" isn't enough for them. They have a drive. And when they get into a moment, a song, you can see the glow in their eyes.

Right now... My passion is baking. I have been nonstop for a few weeks now. Trying different things, putting my spin on a recipe I found. I can't get enough of it. Maybe it's because it has a creative pull on me. Maybe because I get to share what I make with people I love. It draws me in and I have been told that I look happy there.

Passion is something that is also shared between people. I remember a few summers ago, my best friend and I were never apart. She was my whole world and the reason I was alive. She and I had a passion for living every single day to the fullest. And to this day, you get us together, and the passion is still there. As strong as ever. This last summer there was a passion between a boy and I. Something strong and real. Something that pulled us together and made us learn about life. We had an amazing life together. Passion never really dies. Sometimes it gets pushed aside for healing to take place, sometimes it gets forgotten. But passion keeps us alive. Keeps us moving.

So to passion. To love. To life. And to finding the thing that makes you feel like you have a reason for being here. Look to your best friend. Your family. Your love. To a loving passion that never dies.

Sometimes.

Everyday bring something different. Something to help us grow or learn and if we are lucky, both of those things. We need to think of others, also we need to think of ourselves. Sometimes the best thing to do isn't the one you want. It's something that, for the time being, hurts. But in the end, you grow and learn about who you are. The most important thing in this world is love. And loving yourself is part of that.

Most of you know me. You know parts of how I work and what I do. You might have come to the realization that I am not perfect and I struggle in life. One of the big things I am struggling with right now is myself. Who I am, who I want to be and where I am headed. But today we are talking about choices, things that happen for a reason. If it's the original reason we make the choice or if it changes due to influences... the fact is, we do it everyday.

So, I have a relationship problem. Not me and a boy... just me. I love everyone. So much that my brain gets full sometimes. I am always in a relationship because it makes me feel needed and wanted. Just like everyone wants. But I do it for all the wrong reasons. I am at the point where I can't love someone fully... till I love myself. I need to see who I am and like that. Because until that happens, I can't trust anyone. I will always get jealous and nervous. I will be back and forth about everything because I don't really know what I want.

I think the longest I have been single in the last 5 years has been... a couple months? Yep. That sounds about right. And no matter who I am with or how bad I want it to work, it won't. Because I can't let things go. I hold on to my mistakes and I want to be able to fix everything. So right now, I'm going to fix myself. I'm taking a break from relationships and I am going to be a single gal till I feel good about myself. Maybe that will be a month, maybe that will be a year. It doesn't matter to me. I'm going to learn about Chelsea.

My own fairy tale.

I want what every other girl wants. No matter if we are 5 or 50... We want a fairy tale that involves us being the key. We want someone to love and protect us. We want to swoon over a boy because of how kind and gentle he is. It's something that Disney told us when we were little and almost every other story we have heard growing up supports that. Of course, there are those of us in a different mindset... I want a fairy tale. But I want to be part of the action.

I want to fall in love everyday because of the trials of life. I want to get through all the fights and hard days with my heart growing fonder of someone. I want to be in the middle of a war zone, holding hands with a man that is loving and supporting me. I want to live the kind of romance that makes others think about what they want out of a lover, a best friend, a partner.

I have been thinking a lot this last week about my past relationships and why they ended... if I knew the reasons then or not. Looking back, most of them ended because I was treated like I had no say or grounds. I was there for the boy to show off. I was just a girl and nothing more. I know that I am not only the princess but a warrior. And I need to be treated as such. I need someone who will stand by me and for me. Someone who will treat me with respect and kindness and love and trust. I need a man who will like the fact that I am stubborn and I don't back down easy.

I have been having a hard time with the fact that a lot of girls my age are getting married and starting families and I can barely take care of myself. But it's not the fact that they are getting married... It's that they have someone who completes them and makes them happy. The fact that there is no fear or doubts in the relationship they are in. They know where they are heading and they are excited about it. I want that. I want to be able to look inside my heart and know, with no hesitation, that I am going the right way with the right person.

But it's just something that we have to wait for. For those perfect words or the one moment where you know you can't let go... not because you need the person with you but because you want them forever.

This is the time of our lives.

These should be the best times of our lives. Between the ages of 18 and 25 or so we should be living it up and finding out where we are going through love, mistakes, hurt, joy and fear. We should be living day to day and thinking ahead when we need to.

I'm at the point in my life where I have two different paths that I could take. Both fun, enjoyable, full of learning and new opportunities. They aren't paths that go two different ways... they are kinda about the same. One to the left, one to the right. I'm moving forward and not ever moving back. So this path that I am on... I don't know where it's taking me but I know that I will love the place I end up.

So not a lot to say... but what I am saying is that we need take time to enjoy where we are now and where we are headed.

Some days.

Today is one of those days where I am just missing a lot. I'm missing my old best friends, people that were so close that we knew everything about each other... now we don't share anything. I'm missing friends. Just normal people that I would hang out with and have fun with. Sometimes I feel like I have almost none left. I don't fit in and I don't stick out. I'm just kinda stuck in the middle of this awkward situation.

I understand that looking back on things, wishing they would change is not a good thing. You can't change the past, you can only make the future brighter. And I understand that somethings are my fault and others just needed to happen. But a few people... we should still be close. And I have tried. I have put my heart into putting a few of these friendships back together. Just to have this other person not care. So it's hard. I can't just cut her out because she is part of my family. I see you every few months and I have to play nice. Even though all I want is my best friend back.

I know that we grow and lose people to gain other people. I like that. I have a handful of people in my life that I would hate to lose. They are my closest friends and souls that I truly care about. I would try and do anything for them... a few I would do anything for, no matter the cost to me. And we are making great memories when we have the chance. So I'm not bashing these friends or saying they aren't as great as my others or whatnot. It's just... different.

I just seems like one of those days where I look back or think a lot. And I get hurt, frustrated and a little upset. There is one person through all of this I just can't let go of. She was there through everything with me... I need to learn to be happy with what I can get or I need to find a way to just make it all go away. The problem is, I want her with me in all the important things. My wedding, when I have a baby, when I get in that first huge fight with my boyfriend and I need somewhere to go. I miss sneaking off and breaking the rules. I miss staying up late talking. I miss kickboxing for hours on end because we laugh almost the whole time. I miss growing up together. I miss both of us trying to help the other through things we didn't know anything about. I really miss her.

Day one of many...

Today is my first day on my "I'm beautiful my way" kick... So how am I starting out? I am going to get as dressed up as I can for being out here. That would be the sticks, out in the country. It's a really nice day out, sunny and warm. I might be going to see a movie tonight, so I'm going to have a little bit of fun.
I'm going to curl my hair, because I love curly hair. That alone makes me feel pretty.
I'm going to put on my favorite make up, because it's not what everyone else thinks, about what I think is pretty.
I'm going to put on my most favorite clothes. Pants, shorts, shirt, dress... it doesn't matter.

This is all about what I like, how I feel and what makes me... me. So I'm going to embrace it and have fun. I don't need someone telling me what I should wear or how I should look. The base of that was up to God, the details up to me.

My vow for the day, I'm not going to say anything bad about myself. I am only going to say good things. Bring up what I like and focus on that instead of ripping myself apart for not being "perfect".

For all the girls and boys.

I have been thinking a lot for the past few days about us girls. About how we put ourselves down, think we aren't good enough and trying to find ways to make ourselves "better" in the eyes of others. I am just like most girls, trying to hard to be someone I'm not. Wanting to look like other girls and wanting to be "more".

Everything in life tells us what and who we need to be. We see pictures of these "perfect" girls and want to be like them. Instead of finding the good things about our bodies and lives, we just live in this fantasy of needing to strive for something out of our reach. I know that I am not even close to the "perfect" girl. Tall, slim, perfect skin, long hair, no tattoos, one ear piercing, heel and dresses. I'm tired of trying to be that girl. All I want is to be me and be happy with that.

I'm getting better at that. I'm realizing that I can't be this amazing girl unless it's me. That I can be amazing in myself. I just need to see the beautiful girl that I am when I look in the mirror instead of seeing all the things I want to change.

So... this next month I am going to work on that everyday. I will wear what I feel good in. Play with my make up in a fun way and not a "Please tell me I'm beautiful" way. I will do my best to eat, relax, work out and play to feel better. I will stop looking at magazines and comparing myself to the fake girls on the pages. I am taking a stand for my body, my soul and my place in this world as a beautiful girl.

Boys, this is what you should take out of this. Girls like being told they are pretty, beautiful, amazing, magnificent... all those nice words. We don't want to hear about how smoking hot and sexy we are. Unless we are in our short dresses, bright heels and looking great. We want to be told that we are impressive even in our sweats and a messy day old pony tail. You men need to stand up for us, tell us why you think we are beautiful and it should be more then our looks. Pick one of your favorite things about your girl and tell her about it. Maybe it's the way she scrunches her nose when she is thinking or how she stands on her toes when she cooks. Just tell her why you love her and let her know that she is what you want. All we need is a little reassurance. and love.

Nights.

It seems to be harder and harder to sleep. Lots of stuff on my mind and always something I feel I need to do. Getting cabin fever due to my car finally giving up one day. A bad economy making it hard to find a job. And of course family and friends.

I have been thinking about summers. My past, the people and nights that I miss but would never go back to. I'm thinking of how easy it was and how I would give a lot to be able to go back to that time with the people I have now. But I have been shown that I can't look back. I need to look forward and move that way. Deal with my struggles and learn what I can. Push myself to new limits and make memories right now. I need to open my heart and not be scared to live and let people in.

So one thing I am working on... myself. All of me. I'm taking this year for me. Some people might not agree with everything I do. Some people might support my ideas but not the doing. I'm going to think about everything that is said but I'm going to follow my heart through all of this.

Another night.

I'm doing really bad at this whole blogging and having something to say everyday. There are so many things that I want to talk about... but I'm kinda at a pause in my life. I don't want to push things to far. I feel like I have this little box I need to stay in to keep everyone safe and happy.
My life... is confusing and crazy and fun and wild. I'm full of surprises and never seem to stop. I think life should be full of love and new experiences. I try and learn something everyday. If it's about myself or how the world works or anything. Right now I'm working on me. I'm trying to figure out what I want to be doing. Where I want to be and how I get there. I have amazing people in my life right now, helping me to those points, but I can't lean on them all the time. I need to figure myself out.
I decided that this was the year I would take to get myself in line. To try things I have always wanted to do, do things I was to scared to do and not hold back. I'm still working on that... I started this for my birthday, so it's only been a couple weeks. I feel like I am doing pretty well.

Tomorrow is my dads birthday party. He is 50. An amazing age to reach. And we will be hanging out with the family. Food, balloons, decorations, cake and a race. With people I love. It should be a good day. And I'm sure tomorrow I will be feeling less off and I will break out of this little box I am in. And something profound will come pouring out onto these pages.

Feeling... not so hot.

I didn't write yesterday... and today all you guys get is a little sorry note.
I'm feeling very sick. A fever and all that jazz. I have been in bed watching Bones, sleeping all day and drinking lots of water. My dad has been taking care of me and I'm hoping it's just a 24 hour thing and I will be feeling better in the morning... or whatever time I wake up.
I have a few topics that I would like to talk about... but those will have to wait. I like writing when my whole head is in it. And right now I only have about 20% working for me.

Till tomorrow. Goodnight.

The meaning of life... or so I feel.

The age old question, "What is the meaning of life?"
I think everyone has a different answer to that. Some may say money, love, family, treasures or fame. Earthly items that will be lost when we die. I'm not saying those things aren't nice. I would love to have a family someday. And I think everyone needs love. But I don't think that is our goal here on earth. I think we have a much bigger picture that we are serving.

To me, the meaning of life is all about what you leave behind... not what you can take with you. The only thing I would like to do here is change a life or many. I would like to travel and impact people with love and understanding. I want to have my heartbroken for those who have lost and find joy in living simply. I would like to help people see how amazing they are... because we are all fearfully and wonderfully made in His image. I don't really want to go Preach the Word and try to convince people to Jesus. I want to go help in whatever way I can and talk about Him. To SHOW His love and to lead through my actions.

I think that most people want to make a difference in this world. And we all can. If we take the time to find what we are great at and use it. If you can sing, sing and help. If you can build, go make houses for those in need. And it's not just across seas in far away places. Families in America need help also. Start small if you feel that is what you need to do. Find a town near you holding an event to help a family and do what you can. Start big if you want. Find a way to a nation that interests you and just go. You may not know what you can do to help... but I bet you anything, as soon as you put yourself in that spot there will be someone handing you something asking for a few minutes of your time.

I have always wanted to go to Africa. To go help little kids. Children who have lost family or just need a little extra love. I want to sing with them and eat with them. To dance around in the sun and cry in the evenings. I want to have my heart broken for them and I want to help give them what they long for. A place to stay, a place to learn and someone who loves them. To impact a life that has just begun in a way that they will remember forever. Even if they forget my name or where I was from... as long as they can hold on to the hope and love and joy and peace of the Lord.

So the meaning of life... it's not what you get. It's what you give.
Love.

Life.

Tonight, the blog will be short. I have a full mind and a full heart. I can't put it all into words and so I'm not even going to try. This will be about friends, family and the need to find myself. I will be honest to the point of embarrassment, I hope.

Here I am. Back at my dads house, at the age of 21. I am here with no job, not a lot of means and not a lot of time to myself. I'm not complaining. I am very grateful that my dad is letting me stay here while I find my feet. And I am very apologetic to my friend that I left behind because of a bad economy. I want nothing but the best for you. You are my best friend. There is just this awkward thing between us because I feel like I owe you so much and you feel like I ditched you. I didn't mean to. I just couldn't hold on to nothing anymore. I hate asking for help and I hate living off of others. I'm sorry I couldn't do more.

I have a hard time holding on and letting go. I don't know when I should do one or do the other. So I do both. Until I am told to do the right thing. I'm having a hard time finding who I want to be and where I want to go right now. I keep changing my mind because I always have someone telling me of a different "better" option that I haven't thought of. So I talk myself out of what I really want to do.

But that's about to change. I have amazing friends in my life right now. An amazing family. All I have to do to get through this is listen to my heart and push forward. Does that mean I'm always going to do the right thing? No. Does it mean that I won't lose anyone along the way? Sadly, no. It means that I will be happy everyday (Or almost everyday) because I am doing what I love to do. So the next few months I am going to work on that. Making myself a better me. In anyway I can.

Yep. Short blog with no point. A lot in my head that I just can't seem to get out.
Till tomorrow I guess. Goodnight.

Letting go and moving on.

I am back. And today we will be diving into a part of my life not really shared. A few close people know the big story, no one knows all the little pieces. And before I start, I will let everyone know and hope you remember, this is just my side. I hold nothing against this boy, I never will. We both made choices that we now have to live with. But he may see all of this differently. That is his right, so I'm asking that you don't read this and think that he is a bad person. Because he is not. Again, this is just my side of everything.

We will skip past the story that starts this... one day you will hear it but that is not today. The summer of 2008 I moved up to a really little town in Washington to help out my family who owned and ran a marina. Working there I would cook, pick up, wash dishes, help families into camp sites and do anything else that my amazing Aunty KK asked me to do. It was a great job to have. Lots of free time, lots of tips and I lived in the most beautiful place in the world. My house (yes, my first house) was up on a hill over looking the river. It was between 80 and 110 degrees the whole time I was up there. When it rained, it rained hard. Afterward it would smell like dirt, flowers and sunshine. The most amazing smell ever. We had thunder and lightning storms a bunch. But most of the time it was clear and sunny with crisp air. I loved it up there. One place that my heart will hold onto forever.

But this story is not about a place, it's about a boy. The place is just the background to a romance that changed my life. For the sake of keeping things private for this boy, I am changing his name to... Dave. (If you know this boy, I hope you find that as funny as I do.) I will not share everything. Not even close. But I will share my heart on growing up, letting go and holding on. All things that I learned or an learning because of this.

So, Dave and I met the first day I was up at the marina. There was a graduation in my family so my aunt and uncle were in Oregon for that. I was left inside the store, not knowing how to work anything, by the lady who was going to be working with me. But she had better things to do so she gave me the keys and told me to figure it out... you can bet that she was not working there long after my uncle got back. So there I was, praying that no one would come in till I figured out how to work the cash register and found where everything was. With my luck, 10 minutes after this other lady left, someone walked in. I turned to say something and stopped. He walked right behind the desk and grabbed the phone, not looking around to see who was there or anything. I slowly walked over hoping he would look up before I had to get his attention. And he did. He smiled, finished his conversation and put the phone back.

This was Dave. He had helped my family out in the store before so he showed me how to work everything and sat with me all afternoon. There wasn't much to do but talk, so we shared everything. Where we came from, what we liked. He laughed at my pink hair, tattoos and piercings. Joking about how his mom would kill him knowing he had hung out with me all day. When it came time to close, we did just that. Put everything away, locked up and headed to my house. (His car had a flat and it wouldn't be fix till the morning. So he was staying at my uncles house till then.) We had dinner, watched a movie and then called it a night.

We became inseparable. He was at the marina everyday after he got off work and started staying in the guest room at my house most of the time. I felt like I had known him forever. He got along with my family, my friends and I trusted him more then anyone in my life. Months passed and we got very serious. We started talking about the fact that my job (because it was seasonal) would soon be ending. Which meant I would be going back home. We didn't like that idea. A seven hour drive on weekends would only work for so long. And it snows like crazy up in that part of Washington which made it harder for me to get up there in my car.

Dave decided that he wanted to do something with his life, something big, something worth while. So... he joined the Marines. I was very proud of him. I helped in anyway I could. Drove him up to get his physical and stayed overnight when he had his interview. The only thing was, I didn't know what was going to happen. This turned a seven hour drive into an eight hour flight. Being based far away most of the time. It would take a lot more then just a few days getting ready to go. I would have to get tickets early for the plane and find a hotel close by. I wasn't old enough to rent a car. I was stressed. And I shared those with him.

Then one night, Dave got down on his knee and asked me to marry him. He wanted me there through everything without me needing to stress about plane tickets for a weekend. I was excited and nervous and scared. But I said yes. And we started planning a wedding that would only be three months away. I found, and bought, the perfect dress. Found a place for the wedding and reception. And I was setting up meeting for catering. I was the happiest girl alive. Doing what I had always wanted to do. Planning a wedding, a life with someone I loved.

Then Dave and I got into an argument, not a huge deal because we had our fair share of fights. But this one was different. There I was supporting everything he wanted to do and I was asking for nine months in a school that I wanted to go to. He said no. A little argument turned into a huge fight and we ended up calling it quits, right there over the phone. I lost a lot in those few hours.

I lost trust, respect, love, my best friend and a life. I had put everything on hold for him and I couldn't just get it back. I had no car, no money, no where to stay, no job. I had been let down and thrown away. I was crushed for a long time at that point. Feeling like I had no where to turn to. I stayed with family. Found a good job. Got a car. But I was still holding on. Hoping that Dave would come back, tell me he was wrong and he wanted me back in his life. That didn't happen. He came to see me a month after the break up... but he said he was standing by what he had said before. Which only broke my heart again.

I am a lot better now. I am learning to let go. But it has taken a long time. I sold my dress, I am mailing it out later this week to a young girl getting married to her high school sweetheart. I found pictures of him and I together, it hurts. But not in the way I thought it would. I know how to trust someone again, that respect has to be from me and to me. It's not a one sided street. I am learning to open up and let people in. I think I am doing a pretty good job. I'm letting go of the feelings that chained me for so long.

Now I am seeing a new man, someone who has show that he is there for me no matter what. That he supports my dreams, even if that don't match perfectly with his. Because he respects what I want and what I feel I need. I would love to marry him. But putting myself back into that place will take time. I will get there and when I do, he and I will be very happy. I am not scared that he will do the same thing. I know that this will be talked through in every angle and looked at through eyes of adults. He has helped me heal a lot. Taken a lot of time to show me how love should be. I can never thank his enough for it. And he knows that. He also knows that I am not done healing, but he has promised to wait. He lets me think everything through and make sure I am comfortable when decisions are made.

I am very sorry for the long blogs, I guess I just have a hard time being short and sweet about things. I get it from my dad I think. He writes like crazy and has pushed me to open my heart when I write. To let people in. He says I will do great things with my writing... I think he means in my heart. Lol.

Today my rambling will be on... (Bum Bum Buuuuum) family.

On blood family, mixed family and adopted family. All strong in my heart and the reason I am who I am today. A few key people stick out in my mind when I think about families that shape; My great grandmother, my step father, one of my older sisters, a best friend and a love.

My blood family... where to start with this one. My mother and father were never married. I don't remember much of the first handful of years I was alive on this planet. But the few things I remember were with one parent or the other, never them together. I love my mom with all my heart. She let me grow up wanting to live in a fairytale and for that, I am forever grateful. She gave me the heart I have for love and passion. My father has taught me a lot about dedication and living in the present. I have to thank him for my big dreams. Grandparents and aunts and uncles are all mixed in there... but my great grandmother is one person I will never forget and I am lucky to still have her here with me. She has taught me more about beauty then anyone. Because at the age of 83, she still finds beauty everywhere. I grew up with angels being around her. Baby angels, angels with long curly dark hair and short light hair. She would take time to let me know that each one was made just a certain way and every person on earth was just like her angels, special because they were one of a kind. She would hold me and play with my hair. Dress me up and let me dance around the living room looking like a princess, something I always longed for. Then as I got older she would let me play with her make up, if that meant being a queen or putting myself in disguise because I was an Indian, it didn't matter. She would always wrap me in her arms and tell me how beautiful I was. To this day, sweats or a dress... she does the same thing.
Another part of my blood family, my older sister. She has shown me what love is and is not. I have seen her go through hard times, easy times, fun times and times that could break anyone. But my sister is strong. She stands up for herself and her family. She know that in her past she has had her fair share of mistakes but instead of hiding from them, she faces the complications head on. And with very little fear. I have looked up to her for as long as I can remember. No matter how much she bugged me or teased me, I loved her. And that will never change. She has taught me to stand up for what I love, because sometimes... fighting is the only way to make it to the end of the day. With your swords drawn and fire falling from the sky. She has taught me to never give up.

Oh the mixed family... All the halves and steps. That is pretty much my whole family. But what family isn't these days? My step father, my daddy. He is the only reason I am still sane. The reason I graduated high school. The reason I made it to be 21. There have been so many times in my life where I have been knocked down, with no where to go, to end up at his door asking for help. And he is always there for me. I can't even begin to list the things I have learned from him. But two big ones would be... faith. Not the religion kind, but the kind you have to have in yourself. He showed me how to believe in my dreams and how to watch them grow. He taught me that you need to have faith in others because without someone else, you may miss a big step in life. He also taught me a lot about strength. All different kinds. My heart is strong, my head is strong, my faith is strong and my relationship with myself is strong. He is the reason that I know who I want to be. I love him very much.

This one may be short and sweet... a best friend. Someone who tells you like it is. Doesn't care if they hurt your feelings for a moment. But this best friend is different, because he is the one who showed me how life should be lived... to the fullest. In high school he was the guy with the friends, the girl, the car, the house and the family. The thing he has to back this all up and make things even better for him as the years go by... Jesus. He is the one who taught me about having a relationship with God instead of just following rules. He showed me that living through love gets you a lot more then living in fear. He is an amazing man of God and grows more into the man he is becoming every time I see him.

And last, but not in anyway the least, my love. I met a boy back in high school, someone that I kinda made fun of and giggled about when he was around, but with my friends I would talk about how much I liked him and how cute he was. Two years younger then me, I knew things couldn't work out. So both times he asked me out back then... I turned him down. And what happened about a year ago? I go to a friends birthday party, like I do every summer, and who is there? This boy. So we start hanging out... all the time. If we had any free time, we were together. After a couple months, he had my heart and still does. A year after getting serious and after knowing each other for five years I am still learning about him. And in learning about him, I am learning about me. Things I like and dislike. How I want to live my life. My passions and all my hearts desires. I want to travel. I want to sing. I want to paint and cook and write. And this boy, is with me every step of the way. Pushing me to do better. Holding me when I cry and joining in my joy. He is my other half, my one and only. He is the masculine to my feminine. Opposites to join together in to a harmony of God. (I know... I'm kinda cheesy and girly, but I'm not the one who designed men and women to be like this. It was the big Guy. So give me a break.)

So family. Some of them are born that way, some I have known for so long that they fit into that part of my heart and one I am hoping to start our own little family with someday in the future. Family is something you can't live without. They are people you love and bring together in times of joy and sorrow to lift you and cheer you on. They are the people you can count on through anything. When your world is falling apart or you just want to share a memory. Family means having a deep, never ending love no matter the distance between you.

(P.S. I'm very sorry that I didn't write last night... but I was in Portland supporting a friend from high school who is getting ready to graduate college. She is an amazing and beautiful girl of God. And I was also visiting my family. So I had a lot of time to think with no wifi. I had a great time. God has blessed me with amazing people in my life.)

A day of love.

Today... I am going to talk a little about love. Because really, I can't tell you everything I think and feel in one day. Maybe even in my whole life. There is a lot of different kinds and ways of love. So I am just going to rant a little bit about it.

Love. Four letters that make a word that can change a life. Even if it's just for a moment in time. A second that someone can look back on and live in their hearts for all time because of the three little words of "I love you." Words hold a lot more emotion and power then we think, you know the saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." I'm sure I'm not the only one who knows that's not true. Because we give power to the words we long to hear all our lives.

Now, there are many different kinds of love. The love you have for objects differ from the love you have for people. Like how I love my Hippo bank or my favorite movie but I would give them both up for anyone of my friends. You have a love for things because we place those things above others. It would be like taking two books and telling someone to pick one. A pretty easy task. You pick the one you love more. You can live without the other. But if you were to take that persons two best friends and told them to pick... I'm hoping like most people in the world, they couldn't. Because every person holds a different place in our hearts.

I love my family. All of them. Even when we disagree or fight or all those other things families do. And my friends are a part of my family. My brothers and sisters in Christ. But not only because of God, also because I love them very much, with my whole heart.

Love is something I have been struggling with. Not loving people or letting people love me. But finding the lines in those different relationships and making sure those lines are not crossed. I have best friends who are boys and girls... right now we are sticking with the boys. And here is why, girls all relate. We watch movies and laugh and cry and talk forever. It's fine for us to cuddle up on the couch and relax. It's okay to do that with guy friends, I do. But you have to make sure that feelings do not hurt your relationship... your friendship.

So... the problem. Not a big deal, just a misunderstanding or two very strong headed people fighting for what they love, well... who they love. One of my best guy friends is fighting for my heart. He knows how he feels about me and what he wants in life. He is a great guy, has been my best friend for years, knows all about my past struggles and makes sure that he can help me with problems now. I can call him day or night and count on him to be there for me. We have our ups and downs. And sometimes it's hard to find that balance of friendship because our feelings are different. I love him so much. It's hard not to love someone who has seen you at your very lowest point and they are still right in the middle of the battle with you. But lines blur and feelings get hurt. We push each other into roles to often and it makes things feel like they are on the edge of breaking.

Love is a strong word. You use it looking into someones eyes, late at night, standing in the rain. On sunny days, at the beach. You use it with impact when your head is on someones chest, eyes red from crying, letting them know that you can get through anything because of Love. I wouldn't trade all the bad experiences I have had with love for a thousand good ones. Because I have had amazing moments that have changed my life.

Standing on the docks with a boy, bread tie in his hand. That's love.
Sitting under shooting stars holding hands with a boy, friends running around. That's love.
Listening to frogs singing by the water, laying in the grass. That's love.
Being stuck at the top of a Ferris Wheel, being told "Just look in my eyes". That's love.
Holding hands at graduation, knowing you are going to miss that person more then anything. That's love.
Driving away and parking a block away to cry till you can drive again. That's love.
Thinking of all the way to fix something because you feel that you broke it. That's love.

Love hurts. It's an emotion that doesn't really fit into one box. You talk about happiness and joy, those are grand emotions. Sad and depressed... not great emotions to talk about. But love wraps all those up. Love is an up and down. Something that makes you feel amazing when you have it and when you lose it, it feels like the world is crumbling down around you.

I know that this is a bunch of here and there stuff. But the one thing I ask from you today... Let those people know that you love them. Embrace the love you get, give all the love you can. Don't take any person for granted. And don't let yourself be hurt by love... remember what you have learned and let go.

Love ♥

A new start.

This is the first of many posts... or so I am hoping. Maybe to start out I should tell you a little about myself and why I am here. We will start off with the basics, a little get to know me.

My name is Chelsea.
I live in the little town of Astoria.
I am recently 21.
I have a very large family... dysfunctional. (but aren't we all?)
I am a Relationship Christian. Religion is about rules, relationships are about love.
I have a big heart, lots of dreams and lots of fears.
I know what I want in life... I also know that I have to work hard everyday to get there.
I struggle everyday with my past and my future.
I love with everything I am.
I have a hard time letting go of people who have changed my life.

Right now, not only am I struggling with economic issues, but also issues of the heart. My stresses are very much normal. Money, friends, family, faith, trying to find myself. But those things don't get me down. Sure, I have my bad days. Days where I just want to curl up and not let anyone in... but who does that really help? No one. So I take things day by day.

My goal with this blog? To let myself be heard. If it's by one person, a friend who is supporting me or someone who stumbled across this and is captivated. Or maybe it's just to let myself go. To talk about what I feel and think. I guess we will find out.