Letting go and moving on.

I am back. And today we will be diving into a part of my life not really shared. A few close people know the big story, no one knows all the little pieces. And before I start, I will let everyone know and hope you remember, this is just my side. I hold nothing against this boy, I never will. We both made choices that we now have to live with. But he may see all of this differently. That is his right, so I'm asking that you don't read this and think that he is a bad person. Because he is not. Again, this is just my side of everything.

We will skip past the story that starts this... one day you will hear it but that is not today. The summer of 2008 I moved up to a really little town in Washington to help out my family who owned and ran a marina. Working there I would cook, pick up, wash dishes, help families into camp sites and do anything else that my amazing Aunty KK asked me to do. It was a great job to have. Lots of free time, lots of tips and I lived in the most beautiful place in the world. My house (yes, my first house) was up on a hill over looking the river. It was between 80 and 110 degrees the whole time I was up there. When it rained, it rained hard. Afterward it would smell like dirt, flowers and sunshine. The most amazing smell ever. We had thunder and lightning storms a bunch. But most of the time it was clear and sunny with crisp air. I loved it up there. One place that my heart will hold onto forever.

But this story is not about a place, it's about a boy. The place is just the background to a romance that changed my life. For the sake of keeping things private for this boy, I am changing his name to... Dave. (If you know this boy, I hope you find that as funny as I do.) I will not share everything. Not even close. But I will share my heart on growing up, letting go and holding on. All things that I learned or an learning because of this.

So, Dave and I met the first day I was up at the marina. There was a graduation in my family so my aunt and uncle were in Oregon for that. I was left inside the store, not knowing how to work anything, by the lady who was going to be working with me. But she had better things to do so she gave me the keys and told me to figure it out... you can bet that she was not working there long after my uncle got back. So there I was, praying that no one would come in till I figured out how to work the cash register and found where everything was. With my luck, 10 minutes after this other lady left, someone walked in. I turned to say something and stopped. He walked right behind the desk and grabbed the phone, not looking around to see who was there or anything. I slowly walked over hoping he would look up before I had to get his attention. And he did. He smiled, finished his conversation and put the phone back.

This was Dave. He had helped my family out in the store before so he showed me how to work everything and sat with me all afternoon. There wasn't much to do but talk, so we shared everything. Where we came from, what we liked. He laughed at my pink hair, tattoos and piercings. Joking about how his mom would kill him knowing he had hung out with me all day. When it came time to close, we did just that. Put everything away, locked up and headed to my house. (His car had a flat and it wouldn't be fix till the morning. So he was staying at my uncles house till then.) We had dinner, watched a movie and then called it a night.

We became inseparable. He was at the marina everyday after he got off work and started staying in the guest room at my house most of the time. I felt like I had known him forever. He got along with my family, my friends and I trusted him more then anyone in my life. Months passed and we got very serious. We started talking about the fact that my job (because it was seasonal) would soon be ending. Which meant I would be going back home. We didn't like that idea. A seven hour drive on weekends would only work for so long. And it snows like crazy up in that part of Washington which made it harder for me to get up there in my car.

Dave decided that he wanted to do something with his life, something big, something worth while. So... he joined the Marines. I was very proud of him. I helped in anyway I could. Drove him up to get his physical and stayed overnight when he had his interview. The only thing was, I didn't know what was going to happen. This turned a seven hour drive into an eight hour flight. Being based far away most of the time. It would take a lot more then just a few days getting ready to go. I would have to get tickets early for the plane and find a hotel close by. I wasn't old enough to rent a car. I was stressed. And I shared those with him.

Then one night, Dave got down on his knee and asked me to marry him. He wanted me there through everything without me needing to stress about plane tickets for a weekend. I was excited and nervous and scared. But I said yes. And we started planning a wedding that would only be three months away. I found, and bought, the perfect dress. Found a place for the wedding and reception. And I was setting up meeting for catering. I was the happiest girl alive. Doing what I had always wanted to do. Planning a wedding, a life with someone I loved.

Then Dave and I got into an argument, not a huge deal because we had our fair share of fights. But this one was different. There I was supporting everything he wanted to do and I was asking for nine months in a school that I wanted to go to. He said no. A little argument turned into a huge fight and we ended up calling it quits, right there over the phone. I lost a lot in those few hours.

I lost trust, respect, love, my best friend and a life. I had put everything on hold for him and I couldn't just get it back. I had no car, no money, no where to stay, no job. I had been let down and thrown away. I was crushed for a long time at that point. Feeling like I had no where to turn to. I stayed with family. Found a good job. Got a car. But I was still holding on. Hoping that Dave would come back, tell me he was wrong and he wanted me back in his life. That didn't happen. He came to see me a month after the break up... but he said he was standing by what he had said before. Which only broke my heart again.

I am a lot better now. I am learning to let go. But it has taken a long time. I sold my dress, I am mailing it out later this week to a young girl getting married to her high school sweetheart. I found pictures of him and I together, it hurts. But not in the way I thought it would. I know how to trust someone again, that respect has to be from me and to me. It's not a one sided street. I am learning to open up and let people in. I think I am doing a pretty good job. I'm letting go of the feelings that chained me for so long.

Now I am seeing a new man, someone who has show that he is there for me no matter what. That he supports my dreams, even if that don't match perfectly with his. Because he respects what I want and what I feel I need. I would love to marry him. But putting myself back into that place will take time. I will get there and when I do, he and I will be very happy. I am not scared that he will do the same thing. I know that this will be talked through in every angle and looked at through eyes of adults. He has helped me heal a lot. Taken a lot of time to show me how love should be. I can never thank his enough for it. And he knows that. He also knows that I am not done healing, but he has promised to wait. He lets me think everything through and make sure I am comfortable when decisions are made.

I am very sorry for the long blogs, I guess I just have a hard time being short and sweet about things. I get it from my dad I think. He writes like crazy and has pushed me to open my heart when I write. To let people in. He says I will do great things with my writing... I think he means in my heart. Lol.