Some days.

Today is one of those days where I am just missing a lot. I'm missing my old best friends, people that were so close that we knew everything about each other... now we don't share anything. I'm missing friends. Just normal people that I would hang out with and have fun with. Sometimes I feel like I have almost none left. I don't fit in and I don't stick out. I'm just kinda stuck in the middle of this awkward situation.

I understand that looking back on things, wishing they would change is not a good thing. You can't change the past, you can only make the future brighter. And I understand that somethings are my fault and others just needed to happen. But a few people... we should still be close. And I have tried. I have put my heart into putting a few of these friendships back together. Just to have this other person not care. So it's hard. I can't just cut her out because she is part of my family. I see you every few months and I have to play nice. Even though all I want is my best friend back.

I know that we grow and lose people to gain other people. I like that. I have a handful of people in my life that I would hate to lose. They are my closest friends and souls that I truly care about. I would try and do anything for them... a few I would do anything for, no matter the cost to me. And we are making great memories when we have the chance. So I'm not bashing these friends or saying they aren't as great as my others or whatnot. It's just... different.

I just seems like one of those days where I look back or think a lot. And I get hurt, frustrated and a little upset. There is one person through all of this I just can't let go of. She was there through everything with me... I need to learn to be happy with what I can get or I need to find a way to just make it all go away. The problem is, I want her with me in all the important things. My wedding, when I have a baby, when I get in that first huge fight with my boyfriend and I need somewhere to go. I miss sneaking off and breaking the rules. I miss staying up late talking. I miss kickboxing for hours on end because we laugh almost the whole time. I miss growing up together. I miss both of us trying to help the other through things we didn't know anything about. I really miss her.