Weekends.

This last "weekend", which was a Thursday- Saturday for me, was amazing.
I am sitting in a Starbucks in Portland sending emails and checking up on orders for baby things. My stroller and car seat should be at my house by Wednesday. I have a mattress for the crib and I'm about to head out to pick that up from Ikea.

But the best part of my weekend was the fact that I was at Generation Unleashed with a huge group of people. Some I didn't know, some that I got to know and some that I will always know and love. I had a couple problems that I didn't think of this time, I am the girl who is always jumping around and on my knees and up and down. But this year, due to being kicked all the time, needing to use the bathroom and getting hungry every hour... GU was a little different. Not bad, of course not. I sat in the seats and prayed and sang and hung out with everyone. There were some points that I was like "OH! I understand now!!" Great little moments.

But nothing compared to the worship times. Sitting in my chair with my head leaned back, hands on my belly and felling Ryder dancing around. He moved more in the past three days then all the days I have been able to feel him put together. I got to put all my friends hands on my belly and introduce them to the little one growing in me. Lots of smiles and congrats from people I didn't know. And a moment that I just knew it all.

A moment of perfect clarity about Love. I realized I will never understand it fully, no one will. I was sitting there by my Husband, with one kind of love. With my best friend on my other side, a different kind of love. Feeling Ryder kicking and dancing with a bigger kind of love. And I realized that Gods Love is bigger then all of those put together. It's a full and complete love. And from that moment on, every kick was even better. Every kiss meant more. And listening to my friends was different.

I realized that Love is something that grows with everyone everyday. It's different and new and wonderful in it's own way. I don't ever want to have this baby. I want him to just stay in my and grow and move. But at the same time, I want him here in my arms. I want to see his smile and giggle with him. I can't wait to wake up every two hours to hold him close and feed him.

More then anything right now, I can't wait to raise him in the love that I am learning. I can't wait to show him all the different things and teach him about God. I will let him make his own choices about life and religion and relationships... but I will do my best to live the way that I feel is best. Having a relationship with God. Living in the love instead of the rules. I can't wait to see this little guy and see how his life turns out. And I know that I have the best group of family and friends to bring him up in.

Thank you. To all my friends for caring and loving me. Even when it's not easy. Thank you for wanting to help teach Ryder about life and the world. I couldn't and don't want to do this alone. I love each and every one of you.

Looking back.

Sometimes, when I realize that I am missing a picture I though I had or I can't find a song that has been stuck in my head, I start thinking back to years ago. It's funny because most of the time I think about my friends and summer, my family and winter. And when I am thinking of myself I remember hair cuts. Lol.

So today I was trying to find some old pictures and I just keep staring at some of them. Great times with friends and family. And looking at these pictures I started thinking about how pretty I look in them. I'm not being cocky or full of myself or anything. Like most girls, when I look in the mirror I see the things I wish I could fix. I see everything that is wrong with. But looking at these pictures I was amazed at how good I looked and I started wondering why.

So I went back and looked at them again, it's because of how happy I was with myself at those points. Either being single, taken, living alone, living with family, working with lots of money or poor. It didn't matter. I was happy with who I was at the time. I liked where I was and who I was with. I miss those days. That is what I am working for again. To be able to look in the mirror every morning when I am getting ready and think that I'm beautiful and to be happy with myself.

So here are some photos of me and friends and great times:

A new look.

I'm taking a look at my life right now and the things I would like to change before this little one makes it's way into the world. I know that some people would tell me what to do or how to do certain things. But to me, it's about making myself happy so that my boy grows up knowing that it's not about money and "things" in life, it's about love and being happy with who you are.

So yes, I am not cursing. But I am still listening to rap music and watching rated R movies. I am not smoking or drinking, but I will go out with friends and have a drink. Just not into the whole party thing. I am writing more, drawing more, painting, crafting and doing music more. Because those are things that make me happy and stress a little bit less. I am just trying to figure out who I am and where I am going.

One thing that has not changed and won't is the fact that God is the biggest thing in my life. I took a break from the youth group because I have a lot going on and I needed to learn how to spend my time with God and not force it. The last couple months have been the hardest I have gone through in a long time, and I needed to let God work on my heart. This next weekend is Generation Unleashed and I will be going this year. I'm hoping that it helps me find the balance I need between my own relationship with God and the fact that His love is all about loving others. I'm looking for that little sign that He will be sending me.

expecting... emotions.

Being pregnant is one of the weirdest things ever. Don't get me wrong, it's amazing. Knowing that inside of me there is a little one growing and he was made through love... it's something that men will never understand and girls only fully get when it happens to them. But everything that goes along with it, is just strange. All the emotions, needs, wants.

I can be happy one minute, upset the next, then mad for no reason. I am scared and nervous all the time. But only in little pieces. Evey day that I get closer to bringing this little guy to the world I am more excited about seeing him, scared about the birth and I have no idea what I am doing. Lol. It's awesome. One of those things God made that we will never figure out. I understand that it's all hormones and instinct but at the same time, it's so much more then that.

Ryder kicks ALL the time. When I'm eating or laying down. And I love it. I love feeling him inside me knowing that right now, I am what is keeping him going, Just like he will be doing for me in a few months. When all I want to do is sleep because I'm up all the time. But I know that seeing his little face, feeding him, even just looking at him while he is sleeping is going to make those hard months indescribable.

A new year and a life that is a little crazy.

2011. A brand new year. A lot has happened in the time that I haven't written. A lot in my life, in my heart and in relationships. This is a year of growth and learning in all the different areas of my life. Something that I am working on everyday. To learn who I am and where my path leads. I'm not looking for my path, I know I am on it, but I am looking forward to see what the days will bring me.

I know that some people will judge me for things I say or things I do. But this isn't about that. I know in my heart what is and what is not. I also know all the facts. So if you are going to read this and think to yourself how my life is "wrong" or how I am "messing up" because it's not how you think it should be, unless you have sat down and had hours long conversations with me on any of these subjects, you don't know what you are talking about.

I am 21 weeks pregnant now. More then halfway there. Waiting for a little boy at the start of June. And for that, I couldn't be more excited. I have always wanted to be a mother. I wanted to wait till I was 25 or so to start thinking about it. But this is Gods plan and I know that it will be amazing. I already love this little one more then anything. I love that I can place my hand over my belly and feel him moving. And when I close my eyes at night he is the last one that I'm thinking of. He is perfect and I haven't even met him yet.

Sean and I are what we are. We are trying to make things work but struggling for many different reasons. This is one of those things where if you are close to one of us you will hear and share in this journey. If not, you will see what the outcome is. I'm not going to write a lot about our personal trials on here because it's not something everyone needs to know.

I am living at my dads house again. Struggling with my own things but getting by with help from people I love. We are setting up the nursery in the next 2 months and making sure that the house is ready to bring a baby into. I will be here for about 6 months after the baby is born so that I have help when I am figuring out the whole mom thing. And in those times, I will be leaning on everyone I love and trust.

This new journey isn't going to be easy. It's not going to be clean. But I think I am more ready for all of this then anything before because I know for a fact that I can make it through. I know that it's going to turn out just fine and I will be stronger everyday because of where I have been, where I am and where I am going.