Christmas.

All I can say this year...
I thought the spirit of Christmas was to being people together as a family. Not make people feel left out, unappreciated and alone.

Guess not. This Christmas sucks.

Hard night.

Tonight is just another one of those nights. My brain is full and I feel like I'm at my breaking point. I don't really have anyone to talk to and I feel very alone right now.

I know a lot of people having babies right now. And I am so happy for all of them. They are all with someone, with healthy babies and amazing pictures of them in the hospital with their newborns. And as happy as I am for them... I'm also jealous right now. I don't have any pictures of my little girl in my arms. None of me kissing her right after she was born. Not because we didn't have anyone there to take pictures... But because labor was so fast and she had so many health problems right away that I didnt get to hold her for a couple days.

Maybe it's just because I remember those moments with Ryder and I'm sad that I will never get them with Kyla. I know that she won't remember but I feel like we were both robbed of those moments that hold the biggest bond.

I am very thankful that she is okay. (she still has some problems but she is sleeping on my chest at home right now. Which is a big step from the NICU.) and I know that I am luckier then some are. I got to being my baby home. And we were only in the NICU for a week. But I still get those little jealousy pangs when I see pictures of my friends with their hour old baby on their chest.

I have a lot on my mind. But I couldn't be happier when I let it all fall away. I can hear Ry snoring in his crib. Kyla is on my chest. I am in a warm bed, under a roof. There is food in the fridge and I have a car with gas sitting in the driveway. I have a lot more then most people. I have a lot to be thankful for. And right now... The thing I thank God the most for is the fact that my babies are both here with me. They are my entire world. And without them, I wouldn't really be anything. They are what gets me up in the morning and why I make it to the end of each day. I love them more then I could ever say.

Moving forward.

Today has been one of those days where I can't stop venting. Everything I say... Is about how irritated I am with one person or something.
I need someone I can vent everything to and be done for the day. I hate feeling like I'm complaining all the time. But I can't just keep everything inside. I really need to figure out how this whole work thing is going to work as soon as I can go back so I can get my own place.

I miss having a place to go visit and relax at. Home is never really home anymore.

Out of place.

I feel so... Not apart of everything here. I feel left out. Like a burden. I feel like I need to be invited to do anything and I feel bad asking to join in on things. I am trying my hardest right now to figure things out and get out of here so everyone can have their normal life back. And I hate it here the longer I am here. Not because of anything that happens or anything anyone does. I just hate feeling this way.

I don't feel like I'm home. I don't feel needed here. It's not that I don't feel wanted, but I almost don't. I know this is hard on everyone. And that having us here costs more and brings up unexpected everything. But I just feel... Out of place. I'm ready to be able to visit sometimes and not feel stuck all the time.

I think I'm just to the end of my rope with everything all at once which makes things harder. I just wish I had someone helping me.

The next year.

I understand that the next year will be about my babies. Every year will be about my babies. And for that... I am not complaining. I am lucky to be able to have healthy babies. Lucky to have my babies living. Lucky to have them in my life. I know that. And I will never complain about taking care of them. I will always work my ass off to give them the things they need and work harder to give them the memories they want.

But also... I am going to be working on me. Doing things I want to do. Having fun while still being a mom. I will wear the clothes I love, fun shoes, my hair and make up will be done. I don't need to look like a worn out mom just because I might be one.

I am excited to start working somewhere that gives me a stable paycheck and a way to live the life I imagine. I'm just excited to get a place, a car and have my own life with my babies.

Rant or ramble or just complaining.

Someday, I will have the kind of husband that other girls have. The kind that come home after working to the smell of their favorite cookies. He walks in, gives a kiss and asks how the day went with the little ones.
I will have a husband who sees how strong and amazing I am... But understands that I am a girl at heart and need to have someone to be strong with me.

I'm having a hard day because I have surrounded myself with strong relationships. And seeing or hearing about how wonderful things are (even in the hard times) makes it difficult when my good times are really only forced moments.

Past few nights.

Ry has not wanted to go to bed. He lays down and snuggles in... 20 minutes later he is up crying. This just started. Most of the time we have had no problems with bedtime. So I am hating this. Hearing him cry alone... So most of the time I go in 10 minutes later and get him in my bed and try to sleep early. Which also doesn't work.

I just hate it right now. I know I need to let him figure out his normal nights again, but it sucks. I want him to just lay down and be okay and get good rest at night.

Back and forth.

I feel very much like my relationship is stuck in this whole back and forth thing. We try, we work on things... Then it all stops again. I understand that there are things he wants from me. But there are also things I need from him. And maybe we just aren't good at picking up on those wants or needs. Or maybe we see things so differently now that we have a hard time finding the reasons why the others "needs" just seem like silly "wants" to us. Which isn't for us to decide.

I'm just having a hard time. I kinda feel alone in all this and I don't really know know how to move forward or figure things out right this moment.

I can not wait...

To have my own place. And it's funny because it has nothing to do with me and what I want for myself. Sure, it will be nice to have a place that is mine again. To have my own rules and all that. But mostly... I can't wait for Ry and this baby.

I can't wait till I don't have to be quiet so my sister and her friends can hear a movie. Or the fact that I can leave toys out while making dinner. I can't wait till Ry has more then a little play area.

I can't wait till the living room doesn't get cleaned till after bedtime, where the bedroom has stuffed animals and things to play with on the floor. Where I don't have to watch every second because there is more then just rys stuff that he can reach. I can't wait for a place where I have less worry about what my kids are doing.

Not my day.

I'm having one of those days where all I want is to be alone. Not alone alone. But just me and my babies. I'm irritated with people and frustrated with things.
I want to cuddle up in bed and play with Ry. To have a relaxing night. Take a shower and go to sleep early. I don't want to deal with everything. I just need a couple days off.
Off of work and stress. To not worry about the fact that I have bills I need to pay and things I still need to get ready.

It's just one of those days where I'm upset abut where I'm not and I just wish promises would have been kept on both ends. I just want my grumpy face snuggle bug in my arms and this new little one safe. I just want 3 good days in a row.

Thankful and jealous.

I am very thankful that I can carry a baby full term. (not saying anything against moms who don't or can't) I'm thankful I can give my little ones as much time to grow and everything. I'm thankful that carrying full term means an easier labor and faster healing (as long as I stay healthy). But right now... I'm a little jealous.

I know that due dates are all estimated. That doctors can be certain of when a baby will be born. But the fact my my due date is anywhere between now and mid November makes it hard. And then you throw in the fact that ALL the girls I know who are pregnant are having babies 2-4 weeks early... I'm ready for my newborn snuggle time. I'm ready to meet this little girl. It's hard doing everyday alone while pregnant and chasing a 16 month old.

I know I shouldn't be jealous. And I should enjoy every moment alone with Ry I can get. And I do. I take advantage more then most people think. I go to the zoo, I do snuggle nap times... Sometimes I even wake him up at night just to get that extra time with him. But at the same time, I'm ready for this new little one to round out our family.

I know the day will be soon. Even if I wait another 4 weeks for her... She is worth every moment I can give her in her safe little home. So until she is ready... I will snuggle Ry extra, put my hands on my belly to pray, get things as ready as I can and just wait for her.

Selfish.

I'm being a little selfish right now. And I'm letting myself feel it because most of the time I don't really get time to think of myself. I'm very focused on being a good mom and move forward and all of that.
But tonight... I'm upset about the things I can't have right now. I would love to spend some time and money on me. To get my nails done, have a massage, get my hair cut. It would be great to have the extra money to do pictures of this little ones birth and then do a whole family session. But... All my money is gone pretty much right after it goes in the bank.

And I understand that is just how it works sometimes. I just feel like I have been working my butt off for so long but don't have a lot to show for it because I have no help right now. And I know that will change at some point. And I also know that tomorrow I will wake up and not care again about the things I can't do for myself.

Because when it really comes down to it... If I had the money I would go buy stuff for my babies instead. Because they are what make me happy at the end of each day.

Contractions, sleep and thoughts.

I know that maybe this whole sleep thing has to do with my body getting ready for a lot less of it. But right now... I hate the fact that the best sleep I get is durning nap time. I have the hardest time falling asleep at night. And staying asleep... Forget it. I know soon I will be up every few hours to hold my new baby on my chest and feed her. And I am really excited about that. Nighttime feedings were one of my favorite things with Ryder. But I could use the sleep right now.

Contractions... You would think after having a baby less then 2 years ago my body would not need to remember how to do the labor thing. However, I guess it does. I remember contractions with Ry. For days! Lol. These are a handful of hours. On and off. Maybe once a day. But I'm ready for the real thing. Work is getting hard, walking up stairs. All those things that seemed easy a week or two ago are now things I dread. But soon... I will have a whole new set of little problems to work with. I am however, excited about those :)

As for my thoughts. There is so much going on in not only my life, but the life of all my friends. Some days are a little harder to move forward with. I love them all ad I know the ones close to me understand where I am at and I couldn't be more thankful for them and their understanding. But it's still hard.
This is not where i imagined myself or my little family being. And I know that things take time and things need I be worked out... But I'm ready to get things settled so I can start living the life I want for my kids. So all I can do right now is push all those thoughts aside and make the best of the situation I am in.

2 weeks and 5 days till this little girl is due. The doctors would like me to carry late just so she has some extra time to gain weight. And if that's what she needs I know God will keep her safe in my belly. But He knows I am more then ready to meet her as soon as I can :)

That feeling.

I am... Ready. My baby has dropped. All I want to do is wash, fold, count and organize everything again. I want all my pictures hung on the walls. All my decorations put up.
I am in full nesting mode and needing to pack my hospital bag. I'm not saying that I expect to go into labor before this weekend (even of I would be okay with that) but my body must know its getting close because all those strange mommy things are happening.

I will be super tired and sore. All of a sudden... I have a burst of energy for a few hours and want to make sure everything is done. Then I go back to being tired ( and of course, Ry is the opposite of me. He is never tired but I want to clean at night... While he is sleeping.) that's being a mom.

I'm ready. I have hit that calm. I get paid tonight. So tomorrow will be about picking up the last few things I need to have before she gets here ( I have a baby shower but not for another week or two... So no big things) but some shopping will make me feel a little more ready.

And with that... I say goodnight. I will wait till my cuddle bug wakes up and snuggle him. Because those moments are about to become few and far between. And I will miss this alone time with him. So I'm soaking.

Some mornings.

I could just sit here and watch Ry all day long. He is amazing and smart and full of life. He is in his crib, playing with a toy. Smiling and talking and laughing. Looking at me sometimes with that " watch mama" look. He is so proud when when he gets the ball in the right spot or pushes the button for music.

He amazes me. With everything he does. He is the best thing that has happened to me and I will never be able to thank God enough for his little soul.

Today is a day...

That I can't do it anymore. I have come to the end of my rope and I'm jumping from this one to a new one. I am letting go and just letting things happen right now.

I am lost and confused. Hurt and happy and pregnant and crazy. I'm kinda just... Done. But today is one of those days where I am hurt about everything. And little things make me sad. And little things make me happy. And I can't take these crazy hormones anymore.

4 weeks. I have about 4 weeks left. And then this little one will be here ad a brand new adventure will start. Plus i will be so busy and sleepy and mommy... That for a couple of months I won't have time to think about all my crazy emotions.

So crazy pregnant rant. And I'm done or the night. I'm going to bed. I'm going to go grab a heating pack, roll up a pillow for under my lower back/hips and I'm going to wait till I am almost asleep... Then grab my baby and snuggle. Because he is the best thing in this whole world.

Today is a hard one.

I have been alone for so long that it's normal for me. Most of the time, I don't mind it. I love having Ry to myself. I like doing my own thing. I do miss sharing things with someone else... But with the life of a mom, I haven't known anything other then being alone.
But someways are harder then others. I have been neglecting some things. Partly because I don't want to remember all the time that I'm still stuck. Some times just because I would rather be playing with my bug then cleaning my room. But with only about 8 weeks left till this new little one is here... It needs to be done.

I need to rearrange my room so it's easy to get to all the baby things I will need. I need to make a little play area for Ry so that he has a space while I am busy with this little girl. This bedroom... Is our home for the next handful of months still and I need to make it the way I want instead of just landing here and hoping I feel okay in it.
So everything is getting moved. Pictures are being hung on walls and we are stepping forward to be a little happier in this room instead of letting it feel like a jail cell. It's hard having one bedroom for me and Ry. And now a another little one, it just means a little less space. But I can be okay with that.

This pregnancy.

I am at almost 27 weeks now :) and I'm already reaching that point where I want my own place so I can get everything just how I want it. I am nesting... At least a handful of weeks to early. Lol. I'm loving it and hating it. And I'm also at the point where I can't wait to hold this little girl. I want her in my arms. Safe and sound and happy.

But I'm also struggling with the fact that I am still alone right now. I just need to get my own place and start this little life. Im ready... I just can't jump till my bank account says go. Which might take a bit with the need for baby stuff.

Sleep... Or lack there of.

My brain is always so full these days. I can't shut it off. Which means sleep is getting really hard. I have no friends up here in Portland, no one to sit down and talk to. Face to face. I am stuck in a spot that I hate... I need someone to help me get my thoughts and feelings in order.

This last week has been crazy. Lots of ups and downs. Really? July kind of pretty much sucks. And I don't really have anything to look forward to, which is hard. I mean... October. I'm excited to meet this little girl. And I love everyday with Ry. But my life is stuck in a rut. The same things happen everyday. I am alone. I work. I take care of bug (those are the times I wouldn't change). But no one likes a life that has no direction or drive. I feel like I am just always waiting for the next step to show up. And I hate it.

I keep saying, January. Everything will be different. But why? Because I will be settled into mommy of two? Maybe I will have my own place? A car and all the things I "need"? I don't know. I need to start moving forward now. Start getting my life how I want it now. Which is always a hard thing to do alone, harder with kids. But staying in one place is only hurting all of us. It's not healthy. So I will start tomorrow. Making my life... Mine.

Seconds, days and weeks.

My life is crazy right now. There is so much going on. But instead of all the bad and confusing and hard... I'm going to take a minute to let out some of the happier feelings I am having.

I am applying at a cosmetology school. And I'm thinking I will start in July. I'm really excited. It's something I have been looking into for a couple years now... But have never had the money to put to it. And this school offers financial aid. So it's pretty much going to be free! So excited. And they do different fashion shows and photoshops and you are placed in a top salon when you graduate. So it all seems like its going to work out very well.

It's giving me something for ME. Something to look forward to and a way to build this little family into the life I have always wanted to be able to give my kids. So it's a good step to take right now.

Things I am missing.

I am having a hard time with this single mother thing right now. Not because I am struggling with me or Ryder... But because I think of all those amazing little bits I am missing out on.

I will never have those candid home pictures. Of Ry sleeping on my chest, giving him baths or playing in bed. I won't ever have those. I won't have pictures of him curled up watching football with his daddy, him holding hands and trying to walk in big boots.

I understand that I will have other pictures, amazing ones of Ry with people who love him. But those candid ones that I know I won't get are hurting a little today. They remind me of broken promises and lies.

I know I am blessed. I wouldn't change anything about where I am or any of that. Just thinking a little.

Knowing.

It's really weird when you spend so much time learning someone's heart... To then find out that you never really learned anything or they only let you into a certain part of their heart. It's hard to give so much of yourself to someone to then feel like it was all a lie. That the life you built was really just for their entertainment.

I am now learning about my own heart. About a heart of a friend. And about the heart of God. And I'm loving it. I'm feeling pursued by an amazing man who is looking at me with Gods eyes. I couldn't be happier. Or more excited about what my future holds.

Life is amazing.

So my friend and I have been hanging out and talking a lot these past couple of weeks. There have been good conversations and great ones. Easy and hard ones.

I have been having a really hard time the past couple of months knowing that I'm not just needing to look for a boyfriend who could turn into a husband, but a man who will be a good father for Ryder. I have been scared that meeting people will be hard because a lot of guys don't want a girl with a baby. They don't want to take on more then one role.

My friend... Is not like that at all. He has said a few times that he understands what it would mean to be with me. And that he wouldn't have it any other way. He loves Ryder. And Ry loves him very much.

I'm getting excited to find out more about this man. I grew up with him... But this is all new. And it's amazing :)

Starting a new love...

So this last week, I have been talking and hanging out with an old friend. He had been teaching me a lot about letting go of people who have hurt me and finding what I love in life.
We stare at the stars and sit by the fire. Watch movies and never stop asking questions to each other. I can't say I'm falling in love with him just yet. But I am starting to fall in love with life again. I'm not blaming myself for what has happened and I'm done trying to fix something that can't be fixed.

So here is to the new year, a new life and a new love.