Realizing who I am and want to be.

I have always been a little different then most people. I have had my own ideas about what's "cool" and what's "in". But at the same time, I wanted people to like me. I'm starting to realize more and more that God made me the way I am. And the people that I "want" to like me... they don't matter in the long run. The people who matter are the ones who love me for me, all of me.

My crazy makeup, my wigs and changing hair every couple of weeks. Jeans and heels. My fun (sometimes not so appropriate) shirts. All my tattoos and the need for more. And now that I'm about to be a mom I have been struggling with the need to find a balance between who I was and who I have to be so that I can be a good mother.

But why do I have to change to be a good mom? I think that the good side of all my craziness will be that Ryder will learn not to judge people. That you have to look for the beauty in everything. And sometimes that beauty is unique and amazing. I don't have to change, I just have to be me. And the closer I get to having this little one the more I think about how to balance this new life.

But I have decided that instead of stressing about balance and all that... I'm just going to live. I am going to mother the way I see fit. If that means camping during the summer and road trips on a whim, then that's how it's going to be. I'm not going to change my dreams because I want to teach Ryder to run after the things he wants. I'm going to teach him about the amazing relationships between different people and I am going to push myself to show him the amazing world that God has placed us in together.

I'm very excited.

Feeling like a mom.

This past week has been the hardest week so far. I don't know if it's because I'm so close that I just want labor to start so I can be holding Ryder or if it's just a stage. But this has felt like the longest week ever. I nested, I cleaned. I got tired of doing anything. I couldn't leave the house for two days. But then tonight... about an hour ago, I just hit this calm spot.

I'm still sore. Ryder is rolling around in my belly which is getting a little tight for him... but I'm not worried. I'm not stressed. I want to get up and pack my bag again, make sure everything is in order and ready to go. And then I just want to lay back and let him cook till he is done. I know making it to 40 weeks is the best thing for him. And I am hanging in there. And if he is late, I am okay with that. I don't know what it was, but this feeling just hit me.

And I'm loving it right now. I am feeling like a mom. Thinking about late nights, waking up to him crying or cooing. Feeling him in my arms. This little guy is such a blessing. And meeting him in this world is going to be amazing.

I can't wait for labor to start. I can't wait for the pain, for the pushing, for all the thoughts that will be going through my head. I can't wait for that rush when he finally greets the world. Being put into my arms all warm and covered in goo... Lol. I am looking forward to every single step from now till forever.

Sometimes I just sit here and think about the fact that I have a little boy in my belly, growing. God does such amazing things. I couldn't ask for anything more. This is life changing... the best way to change my life. The best way to really start my life.

The last few weeks...

So... I have been in a a nesting mood. And nothing to do. I am done with the rooms. I am done with the clothes. I have everything I need. And now I need something to do to keep me busy these next however many days I have left.
I have some pictures to hang up. I'm thinking about taking some pictures and getting them printed out. Maybe going to Club FM to get some new picture frames or Ross to get something to hang on my walls. I think I just want something to do.

I think I have folded all the baby clothes about a million times. Moved everything around my room about 100 times. I can't wait to meet this little guy. I can't wait. Kinda... going... crazy. I don't understand how most people make it through these last couple weeks.

Okay. I am going to get dressed and go shopping! Or at least go look and pretend I'm shopping. Or maybe I'm just going to go and try to not go crazy :]

Mothers Day.

I am very thankful for my mom... for both of them. And for my grandmothers and aunts. And for my friends moms who have helped me. And for the older girls in my life that I can look up to and learn from. And today has been... weird. Great, getting to see my family and hang out. And hard. Because I'm not a mom yet but I am so close.

I am 37 weeks. I know that I could have this little guy any day and I couldn't be more excited about it. I want him here. I want to hold him and feed him at all hours of the night. I want to snuggle him and give him baths. I can't wait to lay out in the sun and just stare at him. I can't wait to teach him to walk and talk. I can't wait to see him grow up.

But I am excited for the little everyday things. I can't wait to have him wake me up at 3 in the morning. To be able to pick him up from his bassinet by my bed, change him and lay him on my chest to feed him. To just feel him close to me. To sit there and be amazed at the life I have been growing and caring for in my body for 9 months.

He is the reason my whole life is going to change. And I am okay with that. I am excited for it. I can't wait to find that person I am going to be. A balance between "Chelsea" and "Mom". Sometimes I think that these last few weeks are going to be harder then labor. They are everyday. Me thinking about the things I can't wait to start with him. I feel him moving around, and I know I am going to miss that, but I think I am going to fall in love with him more and more every second that he is here with me.

I really just can't wait. I'm not scared or nervous at all for labor and birth and all that. I'm... excited for it. And I'm doing it all natural. No drugs. No needles. Just me and God :]
Prayer is always good. But I know how strong I am. I know I can do this. Because this is what He made me for.