Hard night.

Tonight is just another one of those nights. My brain is full and I feel like I'm at my breaking point. I don't really have anyone to talk to and I feel very alone right now.

I know a lot of people having babies right now. And I am so happy for all of them. They are all with someone, with healthy babies and amazing pictures of them in the hospital with their newborns. And as happy as I am for them... I'm also jealous right now. I don't have any pictures of my little girl in my arms. None of me kissing her right after she was born. Not because we didn't have anyone there to take pictures... But because labor was so fast and she had so many health problems right away that I didnt get to hold her for a couple days.

Maybe it's just because I remember those moments with Ryder and I'm sad that I will never get them with Kyla. I know that she won't remember but I feel like we were both robbed of those moments that hold the biggest bond.

I am very thankful that she is okay. (she still has some problems but she is sleeping on my chest at home right now. Which is a big step from the NICU.) and I know that I am luckier then some are. I got to being my baby home. And we were only in the NICU for a week. But I still get those little jealousy pangs when I see pictures of my friends with their hour old baby on their chest.

I have a lot on my mind. But I couldn't be happier when I let it all fall away. I can hear Ry snoring in his crib. Kyla is on my chest. I am in a warm bed, under a roof. There is food in the fridge and I have a car with gas sitting in the driveway. I have a lot more then most people. I have a lot to be thankful for. And right now... The thing I thank God the most for is the fact that my babies are both here with me. They are my entire world. And without them, I wouldn't really be anything. They are what gets me up in the morning and why I make it to the end of each day. I love them more then I could ever say.

Moving forward.

Today has been one of those days where I can't stop venting. Everything I say... Is about how irritated I am with one person or something.
I need someone I can vent everything to and be done for the day. I hate feeling like I'm complaining all the time. But I can't just keep everything inside. I really need to figure out how this whole work thing is going to work as soon as I can go back so I can get my own place.

I miss having a place to go visit and relax at. Home is never really home anymore.