The pain and joys of growing up.

I remember when I was little and I couldn't wait to grow up. To be 16, 18 and then 21. I thought that those ages were going to bring me everything I needed. A car, my own place, freedom and all those "things" grown ups had. Well... now I am there. Gone through the cars, had my own places and got the responsibilities I had wanted so bad. Growing up is not an easy thing. It's not something that happens overnight on a birthday or when you wake up one morning. It takes a lot of time and understanding.

Right now I am kind of stuck in a point in my life where I want to be out on my own. With all my own rules, being with who I want and doing everything I can while I am still young. But I am at home, with no car and a minimal job. It gets me by and I am grateful for it. I am thankful that I have a place to live, food to eat and someone who is here for me when I need anything. But at the same time, it's not where I feel I should be. But I'm starting to see that this is just the next step. There are a few things I still need to learn before I finally take off and I can learn them here with little judgment and lots of support.

My dad and I have a hard time. We have gone through a lot in the past few years. Mistakes have been made, promises broken and we have disrespected each other in different ways. So we have to move past that. And in doing so we are building a new relationship. We disagree on almost everything... Just because we see things differently. For me, it's hard to understand where he is coming from. He has lived a very different life then I have. Which also makes it hard for him to understand me. We come from different places. There is a lot we can learn from each other. But it's irritating at times. We end up fighting and hurt. But we are still trying. This point in my life is hard but I keep trying.

I can't do what I want all the time. I almost never get to see my friends. Then I get blamed for choosing one over the other. It's hard to find a balance when I don't have control of my whole life. So the struggle continues. I love my friends. They are starting to understand more what I am trying to do, so they give me the time I need to get things in place. I know that it's a hard thing to do, but I also know that it's what needs to happen right now. I miss being able to go out and not have to worry about being home or making anyone mad because I'm out. I miss going to the beach randomly or hanging at a friends house doing a whole lot of nothing. I miss interacting with people my age. I miss being able to talk about what's going on. But I'm growing stronger and learning how to grow up.